So I felt like being responsible and reconnecting or some shit today. I thought I�d ring my Nanny. Finally plucked up the courage and all that jazz. Grams is always telling me she�d hate it if any of her grandkids didn�t speak to her�so why the hell not. Time�s moved on, maybe she�s all nice and stuff now. So I dial the number and she sounds exactly the same, so I know it�s her.

Thirty seconds later and I�m thinking to myself �What the hell am I doing feeling sorry for this woman who can�t even be bothered to turn off the TV and speak to the Granddaughter she hasn�t seen in over ten years??�

Sometimes, this whole having a conscience thing is utterly delusional. I don�t think she could have really cared less. Talked for five minutes. No asking for phone numbers or addresses. Send me a photo. What the fuck.

She didn�t even know who I was at first. And then asked how old I was�and had I moved out of my Mums. It�s hilarious. Then she was hinting at how old she is (71) and the fact she won�t always be around. Like it�s my entire fucking fault we don�t speak. Ugh.

�Your dad told me you got married and divorced.� Well that just fucking shows how much my dad actually pays attention to what I say, doesn�t it.

I shouldn�t be offended by any of this. It just goes to show really�.and I was irritated as fuck. But dya know what? Fuck �em. I tried reaching out and doing what felt right�.oh for Christ�s sake. Who am I kidding? If I turned up on the doorstep with a bag of coke and five children from different fathers I�d be more welcome. I�d fit right in.

This family is just laughable sometimes. Gangster�s daughters are only welcome if they wanna be gangsters too. Or some utter rubbish like that. Petty fucking criminals and prostitutes more like it.

J didn�t know how ironic it was when he told me I could always sell myself for money. I�d rather jump off a building thanks. So fuck you lady. And fuck you daddy.

I�ll find my own way without any of you; I always do.

And you wanna know the bittersweet pill? She finally got around to asking me what I was doing with myself and what not; so I told her about Winchester and everything I was hoping to do.

So she goes: �Oh! Your uncle is in Winchester!��. I nearly had a panic attack.

Shit. This was supposed to be my place! That�s all I could think.

�Which one?� I tentatively asked.

�Steven. He got out of rehab down near there and started working for some charity or something; really turned his life around�. She didn�t sound that proud though.

So I guess I will have some family close by. My Dad�s youngest brother. I was laughing so hard when I got off the phone, I really couldn�t help it. Isn�t life funny?

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