I don�t know why I bothered to lock my diary � total waste of time. I had every intention of keeping it locked too, and then I sort of thought, what does it really matter?

People won�t agree with my opinions and won�t see things the same way I do, but why should I be worried about that? Everything I put in here is honest and it�s true. It might not always be nice, or �right� and it might be hella confusing sometimes, but it�s from me. It�s how I feel, what I think and how everything appears to me. So if you read this and I manage to irritate the shit out of you, then do one.

So�.i went to the docs. It wasn�t what I was expecting really; she�s a sneaky one. She asked me questions in such a round-about way that I didn�t even realise what she was doing until she sort of said she wanted me to start taking the pills.

I�m �moderately severely depressed� � I asked her if that wasn�t just a contradiction in terms designed to confuse the fuck out of people, and she laughed at me. Hmph.

I tried arguing my way out of it, stating that �I don�t want to not feel like myself� that I just wanted my motivation back, and I had to concede she had a point when she said, �but you don�t feel like yourself now�. So I agreed, so long as I could try something different. So no Citalopram, instead she�s given me Sertraline. She said I strike her as the kind of person who�d go potty if it was too drastic a change so she�d start me off on something small and maybe increase the dose. I said I�d rather she didn�t, and I�d try these out for a month and see how I felt about them.

I hate it when people say that maybe I�m dealing with a lot and it�s understandable, or not dealing with things as some other people would point out. I don�t feel like anything I�ve been through is any excuse to take the pills � I feel like a sell-out. And maybe that�s the hardest part, accepting that these might actually help me; that I need help.

I don�t know. But I guess she really does have a point and I promised to try. If I combine the pills with losing weight, and just try not to let anything stress me out � just survive you know? Then in six months I can hopefully come off them. I won�t have financial difficulties to weigh me down then, and hopefully I�ll have dealt with whatever else is bothering me and stopped avoiding full length mirrors.

I kind of like having plans. So the above will be my six month plan � I sound like some sort of dictator. Didn�t Hitler and Stalin have all these absurd three and five year plans? Whatever. I�m just going to shut up and take them and hope for the best.

So I met Grams afterwards and we wandered around town for a while. Then she treated me to lunch, which was uber nice. I haven�t had a cooked meal that I didn�t forage for in a little while.

Grams bought a box of Marks & Sparks morning tea bags and a bag of sugar with her, and I had enough money for some milk and bread, so I feel sort of lucky. *laughs* I get to enjoy tea and toast now.

Then I walked back home and did all my washing and drying. Someone needs to remind me to stop using the dryer if I�m not going to iron my clothes � it has disastrous effects. Changed my bed (I love the smell of fresh sheets) and I�ve just been lounging about listening to Mutemath and Tired Pony.

I read the whole of The Host the other day, and decided I�m going to stop pressuring myself to read all the new books I�ve got. I should know better than that really, it takes all the fun out of it. So I picked up The Hunger Games yesterday and I�m nearly through that. I haven�t decided whether to bother reading the other two again; I just wanted to sort of comfort read something I know I love.

I might try and get to sleep at a reasonable time tonight; and then wake up early to make a start on finishing my History assignment. Fingers crossed.

On Monday I�m skipping class, but not �cause I can�t be bothered. It�s Maths and I�m ahead of most people anyway so I figure it won�t do any harm. I have a good enough reason anyway.

I registered on these mystery shopper websites ages ago and did that meal one, where I reported on it afterward and got a reimbursement plus �5. Doing that sort of thing right now isn�t a possibility �cause I don�t have the money to pay for the meal up front, and then wait for reimbursement; but I got an email about asking questions for the council at local Children�s Centres at �15 a centre.

The only thing was they�re all in Bedford. So I asked the lady if it would be okay to do several in one day, to sort of make it worth my time and train fare. And she said sure, and gave me four of them to do. So I still make �50 after my train fare and I�ll get to go to Ma�s for dinner and hang with Lew for a while before going home. Bonus.

That�s cheered me up a little anyhow � the prospect of a little money and seeing famo. I need to sort out a birthday present for Lewis. God, I really can�t believe the little bugger that used to crawl around driving me mental is nearly 17.

Actually, I�m going to go ring that little bugger now and then paint my nails navy and orange. Just �cause I can.

(I've probably posted this one before; it's addictive)