I haven�t really felt like writing the past few days, despite the fact I actually have note-worthy news and all that jazz. I�m in a funky mood today; it�s probably got a lot to do with how many loose ends I�m finding I need to clear up or maybe because I feel really tired and groggy.

So�Monday I went and did the whole mystery shopper thing. Was fairly easy; turns out I�m a convincing liar when I know something�s at stake. I always used to think I was a poor excuse for one, giving myself away by twitching and laughing like I have some sort of nervous disorder, but it turns out I was mistaken. If it�s for a good cause, then I�m a pro.

I had the insight to use a payphone after I�d done three of them and I rang Howie to hang out with him. It was nice; I miss being around people that know me and I missed Howie, even if he�s mean and throws things at me, probably to see me flinch and squeal like a girl. And I totally knew he�d looked at my diary and my paranoia wasn�t paranoia, just very good intuition. I just have to try and forget he could read it, �cause I don�t want to change how I write this. I�m writing to myself and it doesn�t matter to me if I sound bat shit crazy. No different from how I usually am.

Anyway, I didn�t do the last centre, I just pretended I did. Which made me feel a bit bad, but what the hell, at least I did three of them and I have a little money coming in soon � I�ll only end up with �10 though �cause I still owe Grams �50.

When I got to Ma�s it was pretty clear Grams had been talking to her. She�s definitely been changing the past few months, that much has been as clear as day. Grams doesn�t seem to like the changes, the morphing into someone who says �darling� and switches off the TV when I put Jeremy Kyle on (that show cracks me up) because she won�t allow me to watch such rubbish. Grams thinks it�s pretentious and what not, and in some ways I agree with her, but I can�t help feeling like, despite all the weirdness; this is a good change.

Ma didn�t ask me anything about how I feel, but she�s not that sort of person. She�s not into discussing feelings and moods or anything like that; I don�t expect that will ever change. In some respects that�s probably where I get my reservations from � I really dislike having to explain how I feel, it makes me so uncomfortable. But Ma is showing she cares in different ways, I�ve noticed that.

She had a bag full of food waiting and told me I was taking it back with me � pasta, sauce, passata, vegetables (it even had courgettes and sweet peppers inside � I love them!), fruit, porridge, crisps, beans, snack bars, eggs, fresh chocolate chip cookies (the really yummy gooey kind) and she�d even put Kenco coffee in there (knowing I hate Nescafe) and strawberry and mango teabags (I have a proclivity for fruity tea). I felt like crying.

I don�t know whether it was how emotional I�ve been lately, or the fact she�d done something that genuinely touched me. Like the car, the holiday and the train ticket. But it made me feel so humble.

She spent the whole evening plying me with food. Cooking a massive dinner and forcing me to have pancakes and ice cream afterwards. It was so strange. I mean, she always cooks dinner, but she seemed so insistent that I help myself to everything.

Then when it was time to leave she slipped �20 into my hand and told me I was to buy food with it. And when they dropped me at the station and my brother got out giving me a big hug (he�s always good for the hugs), she called out �Love you�. This is the first time in I don�t even know how long that I�ve heard Ma say that. I�m not even joking � and it made me feel so warm inside.

I feel like something has shifted. Something big has changed and I don�t really understand it. I�ve been a great survivor, I�ve taught myself to survive any sort of situation. But I haven�t taken care of myself; I haven�t made myself live properly. I just go through the motions, not feeling everything I could feel � and probably because a lot of it would be bad. I�m the ultimate example of repressed emotions.

I used to tell myself to stop crying, it wasn�t going to help anything. So I became this person that rarely cried, that reacted in indignant anger if you dared to cross her. I used to think that only showing people how bubbly I can be would keep everything at a distance. If I didn�t show that I was vulnerable then nothing could get to me. Only it doesn�t work like that does it? I am broken, there�s no escaping that.

By not showing that I care, I�ve probably destroyed more things than I can count. By not asking for help when I probably could have done with it, I�ve kept people at a distance. I�m the first one to jump and help someone that needs it, and it makes me feel useful, it cements that relationship because that person knows you care and you know you care. But when have I allowed people to do that for me?

I know I�m attracted to broken people, and it�s making me laugh inside now. Is it because I see something in them that�s inside me? Is it because I think I can fix them, when I can�t fix myself?

I�m not na�ve. I don�t think that I�ll suddenly be able to talk about my feelings and let everybody in. I don�t think that I�ll become this person who shows her vulnerabilities all the time; someone who stops reacting in anger and lets the hurt show. I don�t think I�ll stop being perky and happy all the time because it�s easier than being quiet and contemplative. It�s become too big a part of me to suddenly turn it all around.

But while I�m trying to take care of myself for the first time, I can try a little more honesty in how I feel, especially with the people I really care about. I can be quiet if I want to, without feeling the pressure to talk and let people know I�m okay. I can let people know that they�ve upset me without going bat shit crazy on their ass. I can at least try, can�t i?

I guess that�s all anyone can hope for in this sort of situation.

I�ve not been too bad on the whole taking care of myself front. I haven�t skipped taking a pill, so my forgetfulness isn�t messing this up. I�ve been giving myself plenty of time to do stuff, which hasn�t been hard �cause for some reason I�ve been waking up really early. It�s been tough getting to sleep, I toss and turn for ages even though I make myself turn everything off before midnight, and then something wakes me up around 0715 or so.

I�ve limited myself to one cup of coffee a day and I�ve been drinking a ton of water � mostly �cause my mouth has been really dry, but also �cause I�ve been walking to college. I�ve been to college two days this week, one day was cancelled so that wasn�t me being lazy and of course Monday I was in Bedford, but I didn�t bother going in today (the funky mood).

I haven�t got much of an appetite right now, so I�ve only generally been eating two meals a day. I get hungry about three hours after I wake up, and then about another seven hours after that.

I haven�t felt sad or anything, but then I rarely do. The whole not wanting to get out of bed thing hasn�t been around, except for today. It wasn�t quite so bad, sort of confusing and muddled really, but I�m awake and I�m going to try and use the time to do something useful.

I applied for my student finance yesterday so at least that�s done and dusted. And I suppose I�m forgetting to say the biggest news of all, in all my mish mash of thoughts. I have a job.

My phone has been cut off for incoming calls as well as outgoing. Which is highly infuriating, but I�ve emailed them and hopefully it�ll get sorted out. On Tuesday when I showed up in Psychology everyone made a huge fuss, which seriously didn�t help me, but it was nice to know I was missed at any rate. I sort of had an inkling they might, considering I had a bunch of silly Facebook messages on my wall when I got home on Monday and some people had emailed me asking what was wrong with my phone. Even Chris has put some silly Harry Potter video on my wall saying �love you�. Silly boy. I�m a bit scared Jamie�s going to try and pay my bill, he�s acting all odd and trying to get information out of me but I �ent telling him anything.

Anyway, I digress! I had an email just before Sociology on Weds from the manager at WHSmiths. It said that although I was unsuccessful initially, the person that was due to start the job couldn�t, so he wanted to formally offer it to me. So Tivi passed me her phone and I rang and confirmed and it seems I start on Monday.

I was happy, but not as happy as I thought I would be. Usually I�d have some crazy excitement going on. I did grin a bit and felt an immense sense of relief, but now I just feel nervous. What if it goes horribly wrong and I�m not cut out for it or something? I haven�t worked in six months and a lot has changed in that time.

I�m probably just over reacting. Part of me, the more rational part, knows I can handle this; I just have to sort of convince the other half of myself that I can too. I need to apply for a crisis loan, which I really should have done a week ago, in order to buy a pair of black trousers and a blue shirt. At least I have plenty of food to last me a while and I�m getting used to the whole walking thing, even if it does kill my calves.

The downside to all of this is that I have to wake up at 0400. That�s gunna be an absolute bitch to do � just thinking about it makes me want to curl up under my duvet. But I�m done by 10am and I�ll just have to get used to getting to sleep before 9pm. It�s only for four months anyway. Walking at that time of the morning also makes me want to cry. I�ll be so groggy and it�ll be all dark and cold.

I�m still going to go to my job centre thing this Tuesday, to claim the money for those two weeks, and then I�m not going to bother anymore, obviously. I have a feeling I�ll probably lose my housing benefits too, which I�m a bit scared about. This job is only 25 hours a week (5-10am, Mon-Fri) and that�s not enough to live on either. If it turns out I do, I�ll have to apply for an evening cleaning job of 10 hours a week, I�ve seen quite a few around. And Ian, the manager, did mention in my interview that he might be extending the hours to 11am which would make a 30hr week. I don�t even know what the pay is, but I�m presuming it�s minimum wage or something.

It�s great that I don�t have to worry so much, but like with everything else, as soon as I stop worrying about one thing, everything else seems to get highlighted. Like the fact my creditors are really getting fed up with me. I�m going to write them all proper letters today and hopefully get it sorted out once and for all. I�ll even force myself to walk into town later and print them out and post them. I�ve got to stop burying my head in the sand with some of this stuff.

And jeez. If I could sell tickets to commuters for nearly seven years, then I can sure as fuck sell them newspapers and snacks for four months. What an idiot. I don�t know why I worry so much sometimes.

I still haven�t completed my History assignment, but I had a mini break down in Amy�s office. She just had to ask all concerned like if I was really okay, but I guess it�s better she knows I�m not flaking on purpose, or that I don�t care or something. She�s actually been really great; she even said I didn�t have to come in today, though I still feel like I�ve let her down. She started reeling off options to me and said not to worry about the History assignment. So I don�t really appear to have a deadline, though I�m going to finish it this weekend because I have a fuck ton of other college work that�s starting to pile up.

I didn�t miss anything in Maths though, so that�s good. Plus I did 500 words of my Psychology assignment in the lesson this week; I�m right on schedule with that. Now I gotta do the second part in 1000 words, but I don�t think it will be too hard. The Othello assignment is going to be an absolute bitch though, so is my research proposal considering I really don�t know what to do it on. *sighs*

I had an email from the Editor of the Vertigo magazine asking me if I�d still like to do some book reviews, and I thought, fuck it, I could so with something interesting to do. I remembered that the library in town has just opened up a Young Adult fiction section and said I could do six YA book reviews in conjunction with that. He said it was a perfect idea. *grins* I went to the library and they said they�d compile a list of what books they stock for me, but I have a few ideas already. I�ll write three of them next week and three over the following weekend.

I had this crazy hair brained idea of asking to speak to the manager at the hotel around the corner and asking if I could do some volunteer work in exchange for using the gym and swimming pool. Ma thinks it�s a really innovative idea, but I�m a bit scared to ask now. He might think it�s really stupid. I sort of think it�s stupid. Where do I get this stuff from?

I haven�t spoken to Becky in a while, though I have tried. Maybe she�s just been busy or something. I love my cousin to pieces, but we�re not exactly the same sort of people. She�s so much more extroverted than me. But I�ve decided I�m allowed to be as fucking introverted as I like. So what if I prefer to sit quietly and read a book? Go pick on someone who gives a shit.

I really need to work out where I�m going to live in July though. There�s got to be something I�m not thinking of and I should take the time to sort it out. It�s not that far off. The holiday is also not that far off and I still haven�t sorted out my passport. What a twat. I better get myself together at some point. I really dislike having so much to do.

This summer is going to totally restore my faith in the world, I can see it now. Even Howie offered me up his spare room, which was sweet. I think we�d drive each other crazy, being in such close proximity for an extended period of time. I tend to do that to people. I might take him up on it every now and then.

You know, with everything that�s come to my attention in the past few weeks, I really started to worry about whether Winchester was the best decision I�ve made. I mean, I won�t exactly have a support system close by will i? I started to think about switching to Roehampton, �cause in London I�ll at least have some people close by. But then I thought; what the hell am I doing? It�s only two hours to Bedford if I feel that bad about things, but I�ve got to learn to find a healthy balance between standing on my own two feet and relying on other people. Besides, it�s got to happen sooner or later. Especially if I still have it in my head that I want to go travelling.

I had a really strange dream last night; it�s actually a reoccurring one that I usually forget about. But a minute a go in all came flashing back. I�m in this big sort of swimming pool jungle gym, and my dad�s in this swimming pool behind bars in the corner. Like a Jacuzzi sized pool. There�s some sort of trial going on and I�m sitting with my legs dangling down, surrounded by people, watching. I�m really high up, and I look over at my dad and wave. I know I�ve invited him here for some reason. Then whatever is happening is over, and I�m crawling around on this big jungle gym thing up high. I eventually decide I have to go and speak to my Dad and I do, for a few minutes, and then I go off swimming. But I feel bad that he�s still behind bars and I�m free to go and do what I please.

That�s all I remember. I can�t even be bothered to try and analyse why I have this dream all the time. My head works in mysterious ways.