Ah, my throat�s gone all husky � possibly the remnants of the cold I�ve now discarded. Anyhow, I�m in a rather chuffing good mood today � that�s for sure!

I�ve been up since dawn of course � and the house is all silent and beautiful. I fell asleep around half seven last night, with my window wide open and myself tangled up at the end of my bed in a mound of pillows � and then woke up hearing the birds, with the sun warming my face. Bliss. I�m turning into such a morning person. Sitting here with my huge mug of hot sweet coffee and two magazines I treated myself to (I rarely buy magazines, but I�ve been dying to buy Oh Comely for a while now so I treated myself after work, and I picked Glamour up when I was a little drunk and buying paprika walkers and Snapple in the corner shop). This is going to be a good weekend.

And guess what I�m going to force myself to do today? I�m going to town! No more moping in the house for the whole feckin� weekend. I�ll get ready after I�ve finished this and hit the shops when they first open. Besides, I�ve just realised my medication runs out today and I really should get a prescription filled.

So yesterday, after an exhausting day at work where I managed to get mystery shopped by my boss�s boss (It didn�t go too badly actually, he said I was extremely friendly and my manner was very pleasant � especially considering it was 6am; I just forgot to hand out his voucher [I didn�t forget, I rarely hand them out �cause people just drop them on the floor]) and I probably acquired more bruises to match the ones I already have � I headed off to college. Actually, speaking of bruises, I managed to jam my hand in one of the big metal crate thingys and I have a lovely yellowing mark to prove it � what a fucker.

So yeah, college. I didn�t have any lessons � I just had to write targets and then I headed to the LRC to try and work on my proposal � considering I�d gone so far as to choose a question and that�s it. But, amazingly, I managed to start and finish it. 928 words � at least Merit level � and I found a good portion of research to help me when I come to write the actual project. And all this was between helping everyone else � they all frickin� laughed about it too � at least they realise why it�s sometimes hard for me to get stuff down with them around.

I had to read over Jamie and Tivi�s research proposals and correct grammar, and see if it made sense and what not. Then Mike wanted me to read over his English and tell him what grade I thought he�d get. And then Kylie was having a mini melt-down �cause she couldn�t find research to support her proposal, Tivi parcelled her off to me, so I helped her pick a new question and found a ton of research to support it too � while fielding questions every ten minutes about what she should write. Then, aside from Chris coming over to mess up my hair or lean his cheek against mine for no apparent reason � Mike wanted to chat away with me for the better portion of a half hour. But, four hours after I entered the LRC I was all finished, referenced and printed out. Amy was impressed that I�d got I done so quickly. I wasn�t � I know I can do shit if I put my mind to it.

I even had the IT guy coming in to chat to me when everyone had sodded off to the pub � I need to learn to not be so friendly me thinks. So, Mark came back half an hour after they left, and at that point I was done so I left with him and we headed to Blacksmiths for some drinks. I spent the rest of the arvo outside in the pub garden, turning red in the sun and drinking winter cider. Nicky bought me some apple crumble cocktail that tasted like cinnamon and aniseed � quite yummy � and she made me drink some bomb thing that was red bull and some black shot in the middle � it looked and tasted revolting, but whatever. Then Mark bought me some curly fries over � god I love these people. Chris kept eyeing them, but I told him he was only allowed to munch them if he had them with mayonnaise (he thought this was yucky � but he conceded as soon as he tasted one and then shared them with me).

I left with Neets to get the bus home, after nipping into the corner shop to spend money � always the way when you�ve had a few too many. We were both happily buzzed and couldn�t stop jabbering and laughing � bet everyone thought we were barmy. When I got home I couldn�t get the house phone to work, decided to give up on that score, and settled myself on the end of my bed and promptly fell asleep. I probably slept for a good ten hours or so and I feel absolutely spiffing today. I love that word � spiffing. Rik used to say it all the time � speaking of him, I�m losing track of the pokes he keeps sending me, and I swear that man has his finger poised over the poke back button 24/7.

This week started out pretty naff, but it�s turned around quite nicely. New manager at work is rather more managerial than Ian was � but so far he seems alright and has pretty much left me to it. I told him I was only staying until the end of July at the latest � but I�ve actually thought it might be quite a good idea to try and get a one month temp job in Bedford for July. Ma said I could stay at Grams rent free and commute to St Albans, but it seemed a waste of money to me and I don�t want to have to get up even earlier. But if I had a job in Bedford it would be pretty ideal, plus I�d get to spend some quality time with Grams. I�m going to ask her to teach me to sew and bake properly � she�ll love that. So yeah, I�ll start signing on with some agencies in June and hopefully get something for the month before I have to move out of here.

That means only 2 � months more of waking up at 4am. Thank god. Though I can�t believe it�s been three weeks already � time sure moves fast.

I have quite a lot of college work to get done over the two week break, but I�m confident I can get it done now. Especially now the research proposal is all handed in. English will probably require the most time, but no more than two afternoons. Psychology will be the easiest, considering it�s only 1500 words in two parts and I�ve already done the first part in 500. Four hours tops if I put my mind to it. Then I just need to finish off my Maths coursework � though I�ve done all of the graphs and working out, and I�m half way through the writing portion. I�ll go through my portfolio and make sure I�ve filled in all the comment slips and put all my certificates in the back.

Then it�s just revision for the two exams when I get back. Gosh, it�ll all be over soon and I won�t have any work to worry about.

I was a little silly with money yesterday. But when am I not. Aside from buying a few drinks, magazines and snacks � I bought a pack of sweet Easter cards and some little chocolate Easter bunnies to send to my family. I feel like I�ve been majorly slacking in the thoughtful department lately so this has got to be remedied.

It�s funny actually, me and Howie were talking on the phone the other day and he was being all mean, well not really, but I like to tell him he is. Prior to this conversation he sent me an email implying it would take an awful lot of sleep for it to be deemed beauty sleep for me. Little shit. So I told him he�d better say some nice things to me next time we spoke, or else. And this is what he sent me:

Got rid of that bitch of a virus, i am smart, yes!?

So, nice things...

You are pretty! You have cute hair, nice eyes and gorgeous lips (too much? haha)

It doesn't matter how bad or down i'm feeling, all i have to do is talk to you on the phone for a minute and i'm instantly cheered up, even if i still sound miserable ( i do most of the time regardless.) It's hard to explain... it's just the way you are i guess, your mannerisms, the way you talk, the sound of your voice, your laugh, everything, it just makes me smile, especially when you laugh. I love it when you laugh!
And that�s just the way you talk! never mind making me feel better because you're incredibly smart and have a logical way of thinking about and explaining things.

You are very creative! I would give anything for even an ounce of what you have and your ability to express how you feel. How you can put things into words or writing, i know exactly how i feel or what i mean in my own head, but i always have trouble converting that into any kind of communication.

You just generally have a beautiful soul, if there is such a thing. You are incredibly kind and thoughtful. You are the least self-centred person i have ever met.

You, my friend, are a rarity in a world of assholes and bullshit, you are special.

...That�s about all i can stomach to write, lmao. But in short - you are very intelligent and adorable to boot. It is a winning combination.

How was that?

So it totally made my day, even if he was just trying to make sure I didn�t go bonkers at him next time we spoke. But how often is it your friend says such nice things to you in such a candid way? I totally hope he reads this and gets embarrassed about it all � revenge my dear! But, knowing him, he won�t be.

Ah, what else is new? I can�t even think straight right now, far too chilled to remember the things I wanted to say. I�ve noticed I can�t seem to handle anything sad at the moment. I�m out of the little funk I�ve been in the past week, where I�ve had to force myself out of bed in the mornings � but there�s this lingering fear of getting myself too worked up. Of being emotional.

It�s almost like I�m afraid I�ll crack if I start crying. It�s strange, and a little worrying, but I�m hoping it�ll pass soon enough. I�m going to make myself read the book I�ve been waiting forever for, when it arrives through the post � despite the fact I know the ending isn�t all happy. This will be my first step towards facing up to my emotions � good and bad. So silly.

I rang Grams about 7am, thinking she might already be awake, and I was right! I�m glad the house phone is working again �cause the thought of never being able to speak to people is so frustrating. I miss my mobile phone again now. I�m going to ring Ma and Lew soon, I�ve missed them. And maybe later I�ll ring Howie and annoy him.

Grams and Lew are coming to St Albans on Wednesday, which I�m really excited about. I just wanna hang with Lew and chat with Grams in our usual way. I�m so excited about summer; just being around the people I love again is enough for me. Plus, I�ll get to see everyone in the family for a weekend in August which will be long enough to squash my longing for them, but short enough to not make me want to distance myself again.

Funny thing happened the other day, I found an envelope waiting for me at work and it housed all of the bits and pieces from my locker at Bedford station. Someone had taken care not to crease any of my posters and even sent my silly little figurines I used to set up on the printer. It was weird. I haven�t decided whether to keep any of it, but it�s waiting in my wardrobe for me to sort out.

I was speaking to Matt [whom I knew from Bedford station; he worked on the barriers] and he was telling me that Philip asked after me. My old boss who fired me�. *laughs*. Matt told me he�d told Philip that yes, she does work at St Albans WHSmiths and she�s the happiest I�ve seen her in a long time � always laughing and smiling at people. How odd, and utterly hilarious.

I�ve had several people from St Albans booking office and barriers come and say hello to me this week too. People I�ve only worked with a handful of times when they�ve done a shift at Bedford, but it was really sweet of them. I don�t have any anger left for anybody on the railway � life moves on and I�m happy with where mine is heading now.

My only bug bear right now is my weight. But from Monday I�m going to try and organise my meals so there�s always something healthy about � and then as soon as I can I�ll be joining the gym and working out any frustration I have there. Yup � thinking positively today, indeed.

When I get back from town I�m going to dye my hair [hopefully, providing they have my hot cinnamon dye in stock] and send all the emails I should have sent to people in the week. Then it�s just me and my magazines and a relaxing stress-free day.

Thank god I cleaned my bedroom properly last weekend, it still looks fab and I only have some washing and a change of bed covers to do! Boo yah!

Right, I�m off to get showered and head out for the morning. Ciao for now.

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