All the clothing from my pre-holiday laziness and post-holiday use has just about done in my washing airer. I�ve had to utilise all five wardrobe doors and my dresser top as well. My room looks like a poor house, or a dye factory; but it smells of orange blossom, so who am I to complain?

I miss Greece. I miss the warmth of the sun on my salty skin and I miss the clear depths of the sea. I miss the Greek yogurt and the cherry juice I gorged on. I miss the dusty roads and the stray cats and dogs I loved to talk to. I miss the friendly people and seeing fresh freckles on my face every evening. I miss the swordfish and squid dinners and the swish of my skirt about my knees. I miss the cool marble floors of the atrium and the smell of jasmine and honeysuckle on the air. Mostly, I miss that feeling of utter contentment I get when I�m not at home.

But what is home? I read something whilst I was away, Neil Gaiman�s American Gods to be precise, and a passage right at the end deeply resounded with everything I�ve always felt and thought [Excellent book by the way].

�He sat down on a grassy bank and looked at the city that surrounded him, and thought, one day he would have to go home. And one day he would have to make a home to go back to. He wondered whether home was a thing that happened to a place after a while, or if it was something that you found in the end, if you simply walked and waited and willed it long enough.�

I read Albert Camus� The Fall whilst I was away too [Another great book], and after those two books I decided to yield to my inner weakness for harlequin romances and smuggled some Mills & Boon from reception. Fuck if I care that people think they�re shit, they keep me amused.

As you can probably tell, I had a beautiful time. I told my brother it was a holiday of firsts, and it truly was.

The first time Ma has taken the two of us away without anyone else. And it didn�t go badly at all, in fact Lew turned out to be the most misbehaved one and I felt bad for Ma when he threw his moody strops. It comes to something when you can look back on your teenage behaviour and feel thoroughly ashamed, and try your hardest to play mediator and peace keeper when it�s not usually in your nature. I guess they call it growing up.

The first time I went really far out to sea and said to hell with my fears. It was marvellous. Ma bought us these gigantic inflatable hoops and we went so far out you couldn�t even see the people back on the shore. My hoop had a back rest, so it looked like an arm chair, and a cup holder for my bottle of sprite. I spent hours laid back, letting the waves toss me about, with no one around but my brother.

The first time we used waterproof disposable cameras. We got some pretty funny snaps of us trying to do handstands under water or pulling faces. I can�t wait to see them developed.

The first time we got a pedallo with a slide. We went super far out and I decided it would be fun to go down face first. Ma got some pretty funny snaps of that and I got a lung full of sea water for my efforts. I also couldn�t get myself back on it, much to Ma�s amusement (alright for those two with their frickin� superior height and muscles) and they decided to tow me back in to shore so I could clamber aboard again. I lay on my back and raised my arms over my head to hold onto the metal bar and squealed the whole way back. I�m pretty sure from Ma�s laughter that she was having fun taking snaps of me again.

The first time I bought a snorkelling set and went snorkelling. It was great fun and it amused me for hours. I even got nipped by a fish which made me shriek and caught the attention of everyone around me. Woops. I also thought it would be neat to collect shells, and kept wondering why the shells were itching my hand, and then realised I�d picked up some hermit crabs homes and they were tickling my hands with their feet, probably wondering what the fuck was going on.

The first time we hired a car and I got to drive abroad. Ma was trying to amuse Lew �cause it turns out he�s not as happy as we two are to lounge about and lazily swim away the day. The car was manual so Ma couldn�t drive it, which left it to me, and I fully embraced the absurdity of driving on the right. I was a wee bit worried to begin with, considering I hadn�t driven for seven months and it was an unfamiliar car, not to mention everything was on the opposite side to what I was used to, but I did fab. And I enjoyed it sooo much. I miss driving, and driving in the mountains in Greece with the windows wide open and crazy dance music on the radio was heaven. I got used to the whole right hand side of the road shiz pretty easy actually � I had to keep stopping myself from speeding in my euphoria. I�m also not used to speed measured in kilometres, and kept asking my Ma to convert it into miles for me � ha. We visited a village called Afitos, which was super pretty and old, and then drove up and down the little peninsula, before settling at a white sandy beach the other side to our resort for the afternoon.

The first time we hired cycles abroad and went off to explore the surrounding villages. It was fun, but really tiring in the afternoon sun. I about drank a litre of iced tea when we stopped at a super market. I even discovered mango green iced tea � sooo yummy.

The first time I drank ouzo, which was super strong and made me wrinkle my nose like crazy. It�s their local liquor and it tastes like aniseed and is 40% or something or other. I had better luck with Bacardi�s Mojitos.

I got a henna tattoo on the inside of my wrist (the one that doesn�t have a real tattoo) of this cute swirly tribal pattern; and I got a threaded braid put in my hair too. Its uber cute, all bronzes and golds, and goes nicely with my tan and sun lightened auburn hair.

I also got over my fear of (and don�t read this if girly stuff makes you squeamish) tampons and using the toilets on planes. Don�t even ask me why the first; it�s an irrational fear I�ve had since I was 13, and bearing in mind I�ve only had aunt flo visiting me again for a year now, I don�t think I�ve been too big of a wimp. And the last one developed as a child; I used the toilets once on the way to Spain and we had major turbulence, and somehow I got it into my head that one day I could die on a plane and I�d really rather it not be whilst I was on the toilet. I even flew to Boston and Florida without getting up (my poor bladder) but I told myself to stop being so silly this time and voila!

I bought a ton of accessories of course. I�m like a magnet for them. I think I ended up coming back with two necklaces, two bracelets, one pair of hoop earrings, a ring, some flower hair clips and a scarf. Lord help me; I have a weakness for pretty things indeed.

I even found this beautiful Grecian style tie dye dress in black and turquoise � I�m in love with it. I just need sandals to match now *grins cheekily*

I don�t know why I bothered bringing makeup with me. I always get it into my head that because I only wear mascara at home, that I�ll somehow want to wear more when I�m away � only to forgo all makeup, including mascara, once I get there. I didn�t even brush my hair once � how crazy is that? I�d just wash it every evening before we went out and run my hands through it once I was out of the shower, and then leave the curls to dry of their own accord. Ma said it looked really pretty �cause it�s getting so long, so I figured I�d stick to it for a while. It can�t be good to be yanking at my hair with a bristly brush every day anyway.

I bought a couple of little thank you presents for Lisha for helping out with the money situation (a bottle of Ouzo, some Halva (totally yummy sweet Greek speciality � just don�t ask me what�s in it) and this necklace a woman on a crafts stall made up for me, saying her name in pretty wire curves. I also picked up a cute pot of Greek walnut honey and a pretty green shopping bag for Grams � she always gets me something, even if it�s usually something only my 12 year old self would have liked.

I used ear plugs on both flights and felt so much better for doing so � I used to feel rude, but I�d rather not have achy ears for a day. I got the window seat on the way out, much to my delight. Though I didn�t sleep that night �cause out cab was booked for 03.30 and trying to sleep on a plane is so uncomfortable. Bah.

When we got back I gave Grams a quick ring, and low and behold, her bemoaning the latest pain started up straight away. Then she told us she had delayed her operation despite her agony �cause she wants to go on holiday, and then proceeded to tell me she needed me to stay with her afterwards to help her out. *sighs* Is it terribly mean that I seriously don�t want to have to do this? She�s hard enough for me to handle when she�s being her normal self, and as selfish as it is, I want this summer to be relaxing, actually scratch that, I want the rest of my life to be relaxing. I don�t want to do things I know will put a strain on my taut tolerance, I don�t feel ready for it. I doubt I�ll ever feel ready for it. I don�t know how to get out of this without seeming like a heartless Granddaughter, but surely she could ask someone else?! I love her, but she gives me headaches on a near constant basis.

I�ve borrowed one of her many phones, a cute Sony Ericsson with engraved daisies and a mirrored surface that�s pretty perfect for me. I actually bought it for her a year ago, but she says it�s too heavy and the buttons too little. I�ve ordered a charger for it from eBay for less than �2 �cause we couldn�t find hers, and as soon as it arrives I can charge up and put a little credit on it and then I won�t be completely unreachable.

As much as it will be nice to be able to talk to friends and family more easily again, I kind of liked not having the responsibility of a phone. You wouldn�t believe how many people rely on their phones to distract them from feeling lonely or awkward in social settings; I used to do it all the time. It got even worse when I had phones with internet access (all too easy to sit and email 24/7). When was the last time you just sat still and enjoyed just being in a certain place without technological trappings? I do it all the time now and I don�t intend to give it up because people will be able to reach me any place now.

It felt fantastic on holiday to wear colourful clothes and dress according to my mood. Even more so to wear my bright flowery swimsuit and board shorts and lounge about in the water every day. I�m not giving it up now I�m back home. There�s a certain amount of uncaring or liberal feeling that develops when you know you won�t be seeing these people again, so you do or say things you might not ordinarily � what�s the point in caring, you tell yourself, when these people will never know you? But I think we should all do these things whether we�re in familiar settings or not. Fuck worrying about whether my appearance or my attitude to certain things bothers people. I�m done with stuff like that � completely done.

When we got back to Bedford yesterday, I did a quick swapsy with some stuff in my suitcase, changed into my �I Love Musicians� t-shirt and converse (oh how I missed those) and headed to town with Ma. I did my food shop in Tesco while she met Jenny for coffee, and boy am I glad I took my time shopping. Hotness personified (a really cute guy with long hair and THREE lip piercings) seemed to pop up in every aisle I went to and we kept side stepping each other, smiling and whispering sorry. God, I wish he�d whispered something else to me.

I then managed to forget where Ma was and loitered around on the high street feeling like an idiot, only for Jenny�s sister Bunny to come along and engulf me in a hug and ring them for me, much to my embarrassment. But I like Bunny � she�s one of those warm and bubbly women who calls me Babe in every sentence. *chuckles*

We then went to visit Grams who decided she was in such agony she wanted to go to hospital, but would we please sit down and have a cup of tea as she was in no rush *rolls eyes* Ma dropped me at the station after that and I left her to deal with that rubbish. I got back quite late in the end and decided to order pizza and email back people I�d completely neglected. Like Mark who wants me to contact a solicitor asap and Jane who I for some reason thought was mad at me, but that just turns out to be mild paranoia and a history of irritating my friends without realising.

I emailed my tutor too, seen as I�ve been pretty remiss with college work of late, and I�m meeting her Friday � probably for a proper scolding. I�m determined to spend every day, after today, slaving away on the PC�s at college and getting everything done. It�s all due on the 13th anyway, so it�s not like I have a choice in the matter. I�ll be relieved to have it all over really. But today was all about unpacking, reading my fan fiction, watching Game of Thrones and generally doing nothing. Yay.

Creepy cleaner dude at Bedford station, who I�ve only ever just been sincerely polite to, was desperately trying to get my phone number whilst I was waiting to catch my train home. Oh the joys. This is what puts me off being nice to people, sometimes it�s better to ignore everyone.

After my week of hard-core college work I�ve got two weeks in which to pack all my stuff up and get moving to Ma�s. I�m kind of excited � I like packing. Which is slightly weird I know � maybe I�m used to it?

I emailed my Maths tutor who told me I have two solid Merits. Which at first pissed me off, �cause I know I�m the best in that class and I feel like I deserve Distinctions, but then I just thought; God, don�t I sound arrogant? And does it really fucking matter? I just need to flat out pass this course, and that�s it. Forget being stressed over the little things of no consequence. I�m not putting that shit on myself anymore.

This week I�ll get college crap out of the way, write to all my creditors and keep them happy, get a solicitor sorted out to keep Mark happy, sort out with WHSmiths the money they owe me and claim back the �100 excess tax I was charged. Then I�m packed and done and dusted.

I think it will be okay being back home. I still feel close to my brother, but there�s a sort of distance there as well. I don�t know if I�d call it a distance really, more of a mutual realisation that it�s okay to live our own lives and go where ever they may lead without worrying too much about the other. Okay, maybe not mutual, but I�ve definitely been feeling it myself.

I think that it�s partially to do with my new understanding with Ma. I�m seeing things from her side of the fence more often now, and I�m understanding the things I never thought I would. In that respect, I know I can rely on her to take care of Lew in my stead, or rather I don�t have to do it in her stead anymore. Same as I know I can rely on her to look after me if I need it, be a mother...you know?

I�m letting go. I can feel it, that I�m letting go of some of the anger I�ve held in for so long. That I�m understanding the different shades of grey I�ve only ever observed.

I think I�d be okay on my own now. I think I could travel and make my own way in the world and not feel like I�m betraying anyone or anything. I feel like I could make my home where ever I wanted and it would be completely down to me to make it feel like it was really home.

I�m not saying I don�t need my family, never that, just that I feel strong enough to tackle everything that comes my way, and if I fall in love with a Spanish village, or a small American town, and want to do everything in my power to stay and build a life there � even if I�m completely alone � then I think I could do it.

At some point I think you have to loosen your ties. If you want to be a free spirit, if you truly feel it deep down in your soul, then it�s the only way to go. I can�t be relying on people to make me happy, or make me feel safe or secure. I have to build it for myself. I have to be brave enough to step out in the world and take whatever comes my way.

It�s okay to be nervous or scared or hesitant sometimes, but nothing is going to happen if I let those feelings consume me.

And at the same time, I�ve sort of been missing being in a relationship. Sure I miss sex, desperately sometimes, but It�s so much more than that. I miss falling asleep in someone�s arms and that beautiful feeling of waking up in them. I miss unexpected kisses and the warmth of daily hugs. I miss pouring my heart out without fear of ridicule. I miss having a companion in all my silly exploits. I miss debating the things dearest to my heart, or my craziest new theory, and not being afraid to cry or scream. I miss knowing everything about a person and loving them with all of my being. I miss having someone I can�t wait to tell about a new flavour of ice cream or about the puppy I fell in love with on the way home. I miss shared showers, shared laughs and shared touches. I miss the simple feeling of holding a hand much larger than mine and resting my head on a strong shoulder. I miss some things so much it aches.

And then I remember that there�s never been anyone who�s been the right person for all of these things. The right person for me. I remember how appalling my taste can be, and how I�m more likely to pick someone with a tremendous power to hurt me than care for me.

And I don�t know what to do.

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