I love my Grandmother, I really do � but there�s seriously only so much I can take. When I try to explain our relationship to people, it never quite comes out how I intended. But if there�s anyone that knows exactly how I feel, it�s Ma and Lew.

There is such a thing as love without like, and without respect. I know this because I feel it for so many different people. Same as I can like people without respecting them, and respect them without liking them. It�s a rare thing for me to find someone I like, love and respect. It may make me sound fussy or obnoxious�or a whole shed load of other not-so-nice adjectives, but it�s the truth. The world is full of a variety of shady people, and I can count on both hands how many people I have felt all three for.

I don�t know whether I should take this as a sign that I�m surrounding myself with all the wrong people, or that I�m asking for too much from others. Either way, it�s not exactly good. Anyway, back to the topic at hand � Grams.

I�ve never known someone so prone to idiocy, hypocrisy, attention seeking, selective naivety, and purposeful antagonising/shit stirring. Never mind the fact she�s the biggest hypochondriac I�ve ever met and she makes everything twice as hard as it really needs to be. Whoever gave her the medical dictionary I just found tucked under her pillow ought to be feckin� punished!

Now, I am not saying any of this �cause I feel like being particularly mean � lord knows I have my moments � but these are just the facts. Anyone in the family will admit this much. What they won�t admit to is the fact that perhaps they don�t really like Grams as a person, and if she wasn�t Grams, they may not want a single thing to do with her. It would make for a feckin� easy life.

I�m not afraid to admit this. There is an awful lot of my family I wouldn�t bother with if they weren�t my family. And it�s not because blood is thicker than water. I, more than most, know the irrelevancy of this argument. It�s about growing up with people � having happy memories along with the crappy ones � feeling a sense of loyalty or kinship at some point or other. These are the things that stop me walking away.

So as much as I feel like going home and sleeping my rubbishy-old-women-talking-shit induced headache off, it�s not going to happen. I made a promise, willingly or not, to help out for the week � so I�m pretty much stuck here until Thursday.

But, seriously; no matter what problems I�ve had with my Ma in the past, constantly bad mouthing her to me and trying to get me to participate is getting really old - really really old. Also, what happened to this being just about companionship at night-time? Cooking every meal, making tea every five seconds, doing washing and cleaning and frickin reorganising your bedroom for you is not companionship!

Bonus is that Lew doesn�t have college and only works on Sat afternoons, so he�s here a lot of the time to keep me sane. He helped me raid the library for some decent books earlier today (I found four � yes, I know I don�t need any more but I couldn�t just leave them) and when he gets back from playing tennis we�re going to watch Transformers 3. Mainly so I get a long awaited glimpse of Bumblebee (I heart Bumblebee).

So, anyway, I moved back home, as you could probably guess. It was a pretty quick affair. Lew cycled the 80 miles there and back to come help out and gave me a total shock when I found him on my doorstep (he is, without a doubt, the world�s sweetest, coolest brother) and Ma and Roy turned up together with their cars. Before I knew it, they were loaded up and we were gone.

I�d spent days and days meticulously packing and cleaning out my room, and then it was all over in a flash. Majority of my stuff is being stored in the garage � which is a good job considering my bedroom is tincy tiny. Not that I�m complaining, about the room size or the camp bed, I�m actually just really happy to be home.

I�ve already had a conversation with Ma about the house for after she gets married, and she�s definitely going to keep it as a family house for me and Lew. She even said I could have her bedroom when she moves out. Which means I don�t have to drag half as much stuff to Winchester, as I�ll have a home base to return to every three weekends or so � this is the plan, whether it happens or not is something else altogether. So yep, everything on the home front is hunky dory. I don�t miss St Albans at all, nor do I miss the college, but I do sometimes miss friends I made there.

The last week or so has been totally crazy for college work. I ended up having to do a proper rush job of two last assignments and complete a ton of learner reflections, BUT��tis all done now - FINALLY � and hurrah I�ve passed the course with Distinction!!!

I�m a bit unsure as to whether to go to the Award Ceremony. One part of me just thinks, bugger it, I really should go. Another part wants to stay home and sleep the summer away. Well maybe not sleep it away as I need some money. Lew and I are all set to scour the town, newspapers and temp agencies for ways to earn money this summer. If we got jobs together that would be such a bonus, but we�ll see.

Money wise I�m pretty much in the same place as always. I�m awaiting confirmation on the amount of my deposit I can expect to get back (it was �485), my housing money hasn�t yet turned up (�320), I�m still owed money by WHSmiths (Approx. �300) and I overpaid my tax by about �80. *sighs* my next lot of confirmed money is �90 on the 14th � but I have like��640 to pay out to everyone I owe money to. The sooner everyone pays up, the sooner I can clear my shiz. I need to start paying my minimum payments to keep my creditors happy too, and a 3-month gym pass is �78. These, and the super duper camera I want, and that�s pretty much all my money due in gone.

I also need to pay Ma for my laptop and get a few bits before Uni starts. The latter won�t be so hard � it�s the coming up with �750 for my beautiful laptop that requires I get myself some work this summer. I�ll already have enough money coming in to sort out food, direct debits and even some trips to see people at long last � it really is just for the sake of paying Ma back that I need to work. But I�ve got three months and �750 shouldn�t be too hard to earn in that time. I may even make more and get to see Vienna! Who knows *shrugs*

I�ve given up on trying to contact Orange about my phone � I�m just going to play ignorant and forget about paying for it. If they try and ask for money I�ll start a huge bitchy fight about how many times I�ve tried to contact them and been ignored, which I�ll probably win �cause I�m awesome at those. Yep � problem solved.

I�ve finally got my act together and ordered a PAYG Orange sim off eBay (all the free ones I sent off for didn�t turn up and the whole borrowing Grams phone thing has turned into a big disaster, with her spare T-Mobile sim being disconnected and the charger taking so long to turn up), so as soon as that turns up I can pop it in my Blackberry and voila!

I went to see Becky last week, which was actually really nice. I keep thinking I�m going to be completely nervous around her; remembering how much time we�ve spent apart and how little we maybe know each other now. But, then I see her, and she�s still the same Becky, you know? I think she�s one of the only people I really admired growing up. The slightly older cousin that always seemed to be more awesome than I was.

She feels like an equal now � not that I don�t still admire her, because I do. I think she�s an amazing person and I�m genuinely glad to have her in my life. I�ve always felt some sort of funny kinship with her � being only eight months apart, both having unruly curls and pale skin � being the exact same race.

That probably sounds odd to most people, but we used to laugh about how we were both �quarter cast� � one parent half Nigerian, half English/Irish and the other parent English with an Irish and welsh past. Of course, you can�t say shiz like �quarter cast� nowadays without being accused of racism � but we thought it was funny to have found someone with the same ethnic background, pretty much exactly too, and to also have a lot of things alike appearance wise � like I said, the hair and the skin.

But now she�s got a darker skin tone than me (she literally looks Italian) and her curls are now long waves (when she lets it grow longer than a few inches); I�ve gotten paler and developed freckles (I also bruise like a peach and have skin reactions to pretty much everything � yay for Antihistamines) plus, my curls are even crazier than before.

And, although we have many things in common still � like a penchant for artsy original stuff, indie music, piercings, tattoos and trying most things once, we�re actually so very different. That�s the beauty of it though isn�t it?

She never wears trousers and sometimes I think she looks downright crazy � like a rainbow; I adore jeans and board shorts and I have a habit of matching stuff. She never reads and is a bit of a social butterfly; I�m pretty much a hermit sometimes, and everyone knows I live with my head inside a book. She can draw and design and she�s amazing at it, though she can�t spell or write for shit; I�m book smart � I can write, and I love it � but my artistic creativity is the kind I do for pleasure, it really isn�t meant to be seen by the world. She�s like super nice, to everyone and she�s an amazing cook � I usually don�t have the patience to cook and I get a headache from being nice.

But she�s still my big cousin, you know? And I still look to her for guidance sometimes; it just doesn�t feel so strange when she does the same thing back anymore.

So anyway, it was fab visiting her � she made me drink some proper Italian espresso she has from her Nona (it�s her step-dad�s family that�s Italian) and I seriously will not be doing that again anytime soon. I�ll stick with my sugar laden lattes. She did however recommend me a friend on Facebook that she knows from London who is at Winchester doing Creative Writing � so weird. She seems really nice though, and it�s good to know a single person who�s going to be there in September at least.

I can�t remember whether I said anything about getting over my Starbucks fear � but I did it! I went up to the scary counter and ordered myself a Hazelnut Latte and I even remembered that venti is the largest not Grande like I always say in my head. Wow, I sound like a kid - but seriously, give me a Costa�s or a B B�s any day and I�m in my element. Maybe I�ll make myself be more adventurous next time and order it all skinny and stuff, and peppermint instead�or not. Or a cinnamon spice mocha�.yum.

I�m back! (In case anyone didn�t realise, I�ve been writing this over a span of days � everytime I start I get called away to do something). Me & Lew went and got KFC last night and watched Due Date � I do love Robert Downey Jnr. And I watched Tangled this afternoon, which seriously made me miss Disney movies � Rapunzel is my new favourite princess. I think I may download some more to watch � Beauty and the Beast next!

Hmmm, what else did I have in my mind to say? Oh, I�ve been having some crazy ass dreams lately, like even more crazy than usual. Stuff like my ex-step dad sleeping in our hallway and a new baby brother that sleeps on the floor in the bathroom with Lewis. It was all emotional and horrible. I wonder if it�s the pills?

Speaking of the pills, I forgot to take them for like four days in a row when I was so busy and on the fourth day, I started getting all anxiety ridden. It was absurd � I couldn�t calm myself down � just worried and worried and stressed myself out no end, even while I was trying to be rational and tell myself there was no reason to be this worked up.

So, having now decided I don�t want to take the pills anymore, I�m not sure outright quitting is the best idea. Well, I knew it wouldn�t be, but that malarkey just confirmed it for me. So a few days ago I started splitting my pills in half, then in another few days I�ll take half a pill every other day (Lew recommended that) and then hopefully it won�t be so bad when they�ve all run out in a few weeks.

And I know most people moan about anti-depressants and say they make you numb, but I don�t think that�s true. It�s like they form this barrier between how you feel and how you react. As if they muffle everything a bit too�it�s odd to explain. But that�s how it feels to me anyway, but the reason I decided I didn�t want to take them is because I had this odd little pang of determination � exciting and scary.

I felt all kick ass and I wanted to go do something crazy � I wanted to go kickboxing and feel strong again - and then it just went away. And I missed it as soon as I was gone. �Cause even though without the pills the bad moods will be harder to cope with, I�m going to find a way around them without the medication, and it will be worth it to be able to feel my full excitement again.

Ma and Lew have always said I�m one of the most excitable people they know � in fact, a lot of people are always telling me that. Usually I just get chuckles and people shaking their head � how can I be so enthusiastic for something so small? I can see it in their faces. But, lately I just haven�t been feeling it as much and it�s such a huge part of me that I don�t want to be missing it anymore.

Yeah, I often make sudden gasping sounds and scare the shit out of people; and I talk ten to the dozen, getting so high pitched you might not always understand me. And yeah, I do stupid stuff; like skip down the street in the rain grinning like a fool; hum in the shower until my brother thumps on the door complaining we�re not in a musical; crack up laughing before I can participate in a lie or a joke �cause it�s just so vivid in my head. And yeah, I�ll keep looking at your face when we watch movies to share the excitement, and you might just get fed up with my animated and loud reactions when I love what I�m watching. But�.so what? It�s just who I am after all, embarrassing as it might be sometimes. I want to feel it all again, and I will 

We figured out the other day that my excitement is probably why I seem to constantly have the hiccups. Seriously, at least three times a week they�ll make an appearance and they�re so frickin� loud. I�m used to seeing Ma and Lew sniggering behind their hands � horrible family. Another facet of my oh-so-charming personality � ha.

You know, I�m not so scared about Uni anymore. I�ve been looking forward to it for so long, and tempering that with this stomach churning nervousness, and slowly it�s just started to disappear. I�m still slightly nervous, but more than anything I can�t wait to get on with it. To get on with everything really � my classes, getting fit and healthy, living in Winchester, making new friends. The whole new life experience.

Talking of experiences - I went to the Royal Ballet in London with Ma and Grams to see Romeo and Juliet and I adored it. I was getting seriously into it, even though the chairs were thoroughly uncomfortable. I heard some idiot behind me exclaiming that they didn�t understand what was happening, and I just thought �You prat � why come to see the ballet of Romeo and Juliet if you don�t even know the story properly!� Anyway, I loved it and I�m glad I got to see it. T�was beautiful and Mercutio is still my absolute favourite!

So, did I say I got a Distinction on my Research Project? So much for thinking it would be pants, turned out it was fab. I actually enjoyed writing it in the end too, however rushed it may have been. I ended the year with 13 A�s, 5 B�s and 2 C�s. The 2 C�s are my own fault for handing it in so late � they would have been A�s if I hadn�t left it months  But, whatever, I still aced the course.

Ma�s wedding planning is still going full steam ahead for 9th February. I wrote a message on my little cousin Adam�s Facebook wall letting him know that even though his Ma wasn�t coming (they�re still not talking) that he definitely was as I was gunna take him. I probably antagonised my Aunt to no end, but he was so sweet and excited about it, I couldn�t resist. I�m sure there�s some way to connect up from Winchester to Plymouth and take him with me for the weekend!

I have discovered the awesomeness that is Skype at long last. Hurrah. Oh and I haven�t sorted out the solicitor yet because I�m a procrastinator. I�m surprised Mark is being this patient � I�m expecting him to rage at me soon. Can�t say I�d blame him, but he knows I give back as good as I get and he needs me to sign the house over.

I didn�t go to the college BBQ in the end, nobody did, and I felt too old to be there � which just about says it all. Instead me and J went to see The Green Lantern at the movies in Hatfield (I <3 that movie and Ryan Reynolds!!) � but first we went to Frankie and Bennies � seriously, thank heavens for black and blue chicken pasta, followed up by cinnamon waffles and ice cream. I think I died and went there.

Rang Howie the other day to let him know I was home for the summer and even though he was his usual grumpy un-talkative self, telling me he actually missed me a bit before I said goodbye, reminded me why I love my friend very much. Becca, you know why I�m so happy for you? Roach is like Howie � I get it. You�ll understand what I mean, even if no one else does.

I decided I like the name Stirling. Just thought I�d bring that up, in case I forget and read these sometime in the future. Oooh and Jayne is coming to Bedford soon and I�m going to make sure I bloody well see her this time. Oh Oh Oh, and HP7 Pt. 2!!! � 11 days and counting � boo yah!

Oh, and I did have one other tincy tiny revelation. While I spend a lot of time bemoaning the fact my family is not affectionate (except for us youngsters, everytime we see each other we�re always hugging and stuff, even me and Lew), maybe I should just be affectionate to them and let them know it�s okay, you know? Stop this trend they�ve got going and open them up! You won�t get it if you don�t make I seem like you want it after all.

I can�t wait to see my Ma�s face if I just start hugging her out of the blue!! Mwahaha. I most definitely do not apologise if some of this makes no sense, it made perfect sense when I wrote it!!

And I�ll leave you with this song because it�s stuck in my head � it is sweet.

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