I don't remember feeling this lonely last year. I know things got a little odd, a little empty, but i don't remember it feeling like this.

It's always hard when the person you're closest to becomes part of a couple. But when the two other closest friends you share suddenly become a couple themselves it becomes even harder.

In fact, it feels distinctly horrible.

I feel like a fifth wheel.

I feel like there's something wrong with me and i need to figure out what it is.

But mostly i just feel so very alone.

My face is starting to feel like fragile china...like with one more self doubt i'm just going to splinter into a thousand pieces.

Words feel like acid on my tongue and my heart feels like muscle has morphed into solid iron.

Everything feels wrong and out of control.

I'm not enjoying my lectures and i feel like i'm going to fail.

I'm broke again and i'm so tired of being bad with money.

My Mum thinks i'm psychologically damaging because i ask to borrow money...and i think she's psychologically damaging because she's not spending Christmas with me and my brother.

My housemates are driving me crazy with their puppy dog ways and i don't know how to tell them to back off.

I miss my brother so badly. Like an ache in my chest that doesn't seem to go away.

I'm just so tired of feeling like a foreign being inside my own body. This fat hideous body that i try to hide and pretend doesn't affect me.

And the whole time i just feel like bursting into tears. Like sobbing with everything i have left inside me until i'm emptied out.

And then i get mad at my uncontrollable emotions and hate myself for it.

I hate myself right now.

I just...don't feel like i can cope.

I can't be this happy jokey person that everyone loves.

It's making me so angry.

I feel like screaming until my voice croaks out.

I feel like punching a wall until my skin is hanging by tatters.

I feel like walking into this void of the unknown and never looking back.

I need some way to make my life mean something again.

I need some way of gaining control.

I need a way to work out my frustration, and my anger and my pain.

And i need everything to feel okay again.

I just want to feel okay again.

<<ghosts []the mist>>