So i'm trying to find a way to think positively about everything, and a way to stop feeling so bloody over whelmed. But damn is it hard diary.

When i was travelling i wasn't worrying about anything. My mind was full of what my day was to be about, where i was going to eat and who i might possibly meet. I was full of anticipation, and eventually an ache to get home and resume my life.

Now i feel like the time is eating away at me and there's not enough of it left in the day for me to possibly do the things i need to AND find a way to calm myself down.

And then there's this other feeling...like if i don't grasp a hold of everything that's important to me it's just going to slip away.

It's been so great diary, being back around Luke all the time. I've missed him more than i realised.

I know i always try to put our friendship into words, but sometimes there aren't words, and this is one of those times.

I've probably explained before that he's a pretty emotionally closed off person. I don't know whether it's from the death of his mother, or if it's just an ingrained part of his person, but touches are usually initiated by him - it's just the way it is.

For me it's hard - i have to physically restrain myself from casual touches with the people i care deeply about. Especially so with Luke.

And there's nothing sexual about it, just to clarify.

I'm a huggy person. I'm emotionally closed off in some ways and not in others. I find it difficult to tell people what they mean to me, but i find other ways to show it. I show how i care for those observant enough to notice.

But it's been a little different the past week. And granted, he's been a little drunk some of the time but still...it's been a little different.

We've always been relaxed with each other - too relaxed some might say. We discuss sex toys and what kind of loo roll to buy. We share butter and drink each others milk. Sometimes we eat off the same plate or drink from the same cup.

We watch a lot of the same TV programmes and camp out on each other's beds. I sometimes go out with him and his Oxford lads. He sometimes goes out with me and my Library girls. We share all those embarrassing stories you don't think are fit for public consumption.

Our most recent pursuit is the reading of Fifty Shades of Grey together. Which involves me reading it out loud and him watching me - both of us supressing giggles.

People liken us to a married couple. I get it - we grocery shop together, argue over silly things and generally spend most of our time together.

We have a secret silly language in the way of looks and smiles and words.

But he's my best friend. Next to my brother, i think i care about him the most.

And lately he's been more relaxed around me, and i can't help but love him all the more for it.

I know he trusts me implicitly, as i do him. But now he's even giving me free rein to drive his car uninsured...we're basically sharing a car now too.

I've been feeling pretty shit lately, and he knows me well enough to know something's seriously up. And that i probably don't know how to explain myself.

I mean...it's pretty usual for me to cry, even though he says it's not that usual. But when i come down sobbing and curl up in a ball on his bed because someone died in Grey's Anatomy...it's a little bit of a dead give away.

I was having a bit of a melt down the other night...i just wanted to go home, and he was drunk and couldn't drive himself home so i was waiting outside for him. We get to the car and he won't hand me the keys until i say what's wrong...which of course i won't.

But the whole drive home he's making observations. Making me feel better about the things he can guess are wrong.

And when we get inside he demands a hug. And i get the most amazingly comforting hug from him, and he lets go only to wrap me up even further in his embrace. And it's not hard to do when i used to think i was tall at 5'9 but this boy is 6'5 and towers over me.

He even moves my hair back from my neck and snuffles against my neck and ear, tickling me and making us both burst out laughing.

Then later on he comes running up to my bedroom where i'm eating a french stick and camembert. He eats some of that too after he's rolled around on my pillows a bit.

And before he goes to bed he kisses me on the side of my forehead and tells me he loves me.

So it suddenly strikes me that this boy knows how to handle me better than anyone else i've ever known.

That show of affection had me walking downstairs ten minutes later and curling up next to him on his bed, crying into a pillow while he talked to me about inane things to get my mind off how i felt.

And then yesterday when we were with his girlfriend Anna, and had dinner at Rob and Claire's house...he'd find ways to make me feel included.

I think he realised that after the revelation that Rob and Claire are now seeing each other i felt like an intruder on a double date.

He'd touch my leg to make sure i was okay and give me silly smiles. When he dished out the salad he gave me a ton of avocado because he knows i love it. He passed me his glass of wine so i could take sips. Then he lay across the floor, my feet firmly ensconced under his thigh.

And i found myself hating his girlfriend. For just a few hours there i resented her presence.

I wanted it to be just the four of us like it always was before she came along.

I listened to the things she was saying - how out of this world she is compared to me. All judging and fashionable and living this sheltered life where her father is still daddy and she goes skiing in the holidays.

And i just wanted her gone.

Before now i've always welcomed the calming influence on Luke. In general it stops him from sleeping with or kissing anyone that throws themselves at him...which unfortunately happens a lot.

But now i feel like she's going to take him from me. That one day he won't be my Luke anymore and he'll be just as untouchable as she is.

And she makes me feel like a sub standard human being...there i said it.

I'm like a little jealous girl having a tantrum...but the seed is planted, and my current anger will probably give it growth.

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