This summer did that to me. It changed my perspective on a lot of things. It gave me room to breathe and it gave me room to learn what's really important. What's really important to me.

How often do we stop and ask ourselves what we want? What we really, deep down in our souls want?

I understand myself so much better. And i feel different because of it. But how do you make other people realise this?

There are the people that have known me for so long they only see who i am at the core anyway. These subtle changes don't mean a lot to them...they constantly adapt.

But the people who don't know me that well or haven't known me that long...How do i get them to understand? How do i get them to stop treating me like i'm the same?

I've been getting angry a lot lately...I've been saying and doing things that just don't match up with who i am.

It's only when i get some space that i'm able to work out what's wrong.

I'm angry because my best friend doesn't understand who i am.

He doesn't understand this mind set i have where everything pales in comparison to the fictional worlds going on in my head. And he made me feel guilty for it. That's how i know he doesn't understand.

He made me feel guilty for something i can't help...for something that has always been such a huge part of me.

People are always telling me i'm weird...that i'm not all there. But that they love me because of it. Why doesn't he?

I'm overly sensitive and highly susceptible if it's for the people i love, but i've changed too much to make him comfortable.

It wasn't until i had a ten minute phone conversation with Howie that it hit me. It was something he said...as per usual.

I told him how i worried i was pissing Luke off with all my novel talk and how i was being anti-social.

He told me that this is just who i am and people should get used to it.

And i thought, you know what...he's damn right.

I was born with one foot in this world and one in another - i don't see things as black and white. I cry when things make me sad, which is often. I get offended if you won't hug me when i open my arms to you. I like to sleep late and my most inspirational moments are in the evenings and at night. I like to sit in the garden when it's raining even if it makes me sick. I have strange dreams and i find them fascinating, even if you don't. I like tattoos and piercings and i don't appreciate you snuffing my ideas for new ones.

I have eclectic tastes and i don't care if you think my favourite song or movie is rubbish - i love it. I know when you've used my teabags because you never line the box up straight. I like to write by candle light and i always dress to music. I drink too much coffee and i eat too much chocolate - this isn't up for debate. I don't go to class if i don't feel like it and authority isn't important to me. I get mad if you buy me 2 pints of milk instead of 4 because you know i'll drink it quickly. And i get suspicious if you buy me caramel chocolate when i ask for something sweet because you should know by now it's my least favourite.

I'm not always friendly, even if i sound it or look it - it frustrates me that you can't see past that. I find too much childish behaviour stressful and a step back in progressive terms. And yes, i prefer books to human company sometimes. I think thoughtful presents are important. I send postcards to my Grandma no matter where i am. I have a morbid fascination with tragic love and what if scenarios. I believe in intense and innocent love. I don't appreciate being told every single male will cheat if given the chance.

I like programmes where everyone is beautiful inside and out...and it hurts me that you think this is 'odd' for me. I think high heels are sexy but i can't walk in them for love nor money. I'm a little bit in love with Chicago and steampunk and it makes me sad that you think this is stupid. I like pyjama days and weird buffets of food when i can't decide what one thing i want. I don't like being rushed and i definitely don't like you questioning my every move. I don't like that i'm invisible when your girlfriend is around but when she's gone you won't give me space.

I especially don't like that you have this ability to hurt me and make me react angrily...and that sometimes that anger gets taken out on undeserving people because i'm too scared to let you know how i feel. Because despite all this i love you to pieces and you're still my bestfriend.

And i don't know how to make you listen, except to be the best me that i can.

So yes, i am going to get a new tattoo as a christmas present to myself.

And yes, i am going to re-pierce my nose and get a new bar in my ear.

And...despite you being willing to bet money that i won't do this...i am going to let Fran relax my hair and keep it straight for a while.

This is because this is me...this is what i want. I need you to understand that and i'm praying you finally will.

But, biggest yes of all, i AM going to write this novel, with or without your help. With or without your support.