I've had some time to think and done a little bit of digging.

Went to Pizza Hut for the ice cream factory (that's always fun...though the lady did tell me i didn't have to pile my bowl up quite so high considering i could just go up again)

Looked at the pretty animals in the pet shop (I named a bunny Ash but noone would let me take it home...and i wanted to buy some fish...and they wouldn't let me have those either..or the pretty skull tank)

Did afew shots and smoked afew fags and recieved plenty of consolation hugs wrapped up in my friend's arms over night.

Although i did have an almighty row with my younger brothers teacher, condescending git that he is, which made me force four panadol down myself afterwards.

But i'm okay...you know?

Angry. But okay.

So i passed the CBI, which is the really hard competancy based interview, and i passed all of their other tests...and they all last for three years now, so i have three years in which to go for the job again, every six monthes if i wanted to and i'd only have to do the driver managers interview again, so unless i'm really thick or the world's out to get me, i'm bound to get the job at some point.

But i'd really like to know what the hell it is they've failed me on.

Everyone else didn't get the job because they failed the CBI. But i passed the CBI and still...NOTHING.

I've asked for feedback, had a good old sit down with my boss who agreed i should pursue this until i get an understandable result from them.

And i will. I'm not letting this go until i'm happy i really should have done something more than i did.

I'll throw everything i can at them. They can't discriminate me because of sickness, or because of my sex or age.

I have to have done something wrong. They have to give me some proper answers.

I won't be one of those people who lies down and gets trampled on. I'm going to find everything that i can out and irritate the fuck out of them in the process, and if it turns out i really did do something wrong, then in six months i'll do my hardest to make sure i'm good enough for the job.

So as far as i'm concerned...if i didn't do something wrong, they're going to give me the job one way or another, and if i did, then i'll work harder for it later in the year and make sure i bloody well pass.

I will become a train driver. It's just a matter of time.

My boss is definately being really supportive though.

He said he'l nominate me for a six month secondment doing office work if it doesn't work out....just to give me a break until i can go for the job again.

It'll be a relief to be doing something different for a while.

Actually nevermind for a while. I'm not doing my job for much longer no matter what. It's too much of a waste.

I've got my confidence back. I'll get what i want in the end...even if i have to work harder than i thought i would. I'll get there.

And if i fail my car driving test this month, then it won't be the end of the world.

I'll just book it again and again and again so eventually i'll pass.

I will be driving by the summer and i won't care how many trys it took, because once i have that license, it's here to stay.

I have every confidence, that despite outside influences and horrible feelings of doubt that sometimes well up...i will become a Train Driver by this time next year and i will have passed my car driving test too.

I'm not a failure and i am good enough.

Though i'd like to know where the hell these spots breeding on my chin think they're coming from...i mean...seriously?!

Since when do i get spots...all these fricking hormones from having a period again. Utter shite.

Well they better clear up soon or i'll find a way to get rid of them. And it might be drastic.

I'm beginning to realise how little HE knows me though.

Sometimes i think he understands me better than others...but when it comes to my feelings...he's really not clued in at all...and i find myself unable to express them the same way i can around some other people.

I feel comfortable enough for him to see me naked, even though i loath my body right now...but i don't feel okay with opening up my heart...it's strange.

I'd really like him to be able to see me, to really and truely see me.

And i guess in a way i can't blame him for his inability to...because i'm doing what i do with most people.

I'm bottling it up and staying emotionless.

My words seem empty cause you can't see the fervour behind them.

But i also think that maybe, if i felt a bit less judged and a little more...valued? I might be able to show him all that i am.

He makes me feel like my problems are insignificant and like i'm being selfish..and maybe i am.

But i always have time for my friends problems, even when they're absolutely absurd, i'm always there.

And whatever they feel like doing and whenever it is. I'll do it.

So why is it so hard for him to accept my problems?

And why does he have this ability to make me feel like i'm not good enough...but when i think about the evidence, it's the other way around.

I'm at peace with the fact i'll probably be moving home at some point soon...really it'll be closer to work and my room might be bigger which is always a bonus.

I wrote all my feelings towards my father down in a letter but everyone's told me not to post it...i haven't decided what to do yet...but i feel better now that i've got it all out. I can move on, finally.

I'm not pregnant....i'm surfin' the crimson wave again and it's horrible.

I'd forgotten how lame you felt, i'd forgotten the cramps, and i'd definately forgotten about the nasty acne i'm developing...but hopefully it'll sort itself out and i'll be back to normal soon enough. I guess after seven years of nothing, it's bound to take a little adjustment.

I'm just going to focus all my energy on clearing my debt by the end of the year and on starting my diet up properly.

I will look the way i want to and i will be debt free. I know it.

It's all in the power of positive thinking.

I will get everything i want, even when it feels impossible and the work to get there feels like nothing but a steep climb up hill.

But I will get there and it'l feel so much more worth it when i finally do.