I can't decide what to do with myself today, and although i don't really feel like going out right now, i'm thinking these weekends at home have got to stop.

I'm starting to feel like a proper hermit.

And i know that if i had money, i'd go to London and spend the weekend trawling through the museums and galleries and visiting family.

Or i'd hop on the train to Bedford and spend some time with Ma, Lew or Grams.

But i don't have money, so that's out of the question.

It even costs me money to go visit Becky at the weekend...which is why my efforts to go see her need to happen during the week, when it's free.

So what can i do with no money and no people on a saturday and sunday?!

There's no point walking into town, whether it's to browse shops or camp out with a book in a cafe, 'cause that's just the ultimate tease.

A poor shopaholic surrounded by shops. Nice.

I always sit here watching movies, and while i have an unlimited supply with all the illegal downloading and storing on my harddrives, that's very hermit like of me too.

And of course i have books...lots of books that need reading...but they're making me feel hermit like too.

I suppose if i make myself join the gym in the next few days, then i can kill a few hours there on a saturday and sunday.

They have a pool and lord knows i adore swimming.

But that's just a few hours.

*sighs*

I've never really understood how someone with so much to do, can always find a way to be bored or unsatisfied.

That's restlessness for you.

I'm not even happy to do nothing when i'm on holiday anymore.

I used to be able to camp out at the side of a pool or the beach for hours on end.

Burning myself of course, as is the way.

Always got to be up and about now...swimming, walking, exploring, shopping, visiting attractions, waterparks and water sports and trying out the local food.

I don't know how to be a beach bum anymore. I'll have to work on it in Halkidiki.

Okay, i've decided to start a new book today, just because i feel bad about how many i need to read.

At least they have each other for company.

You know what's totally curious and slightly worrying?

I can't seem to write any stories.

I've written more poems so far this year, than i probably have done in my entire life...and i sort of like them too.

But stories? Nadda one. It just isn't happening.

I did start to panic at one point, thinking....jeez...you wanna do creative writing at Uni and you can't even write one lousy story?

But then i thought...ah fuck it!

I can write poems and articles and what not fairly easily, and the course is going to be about writing all different kinds of things.

Some parts i'll find easy, some parts hard.

It's all a learning curve.

I've got three years to try everything and either succeed or fail.

And there's always a way out of a sticky situation...if ever i should find myself in one again.

And i also had a little panic attack whilst reading the Philosophy department brochure for Hull...it keeps talking about debates.

I hate stuff like that, makes me so god damn nervous.

Perhaps it's not quite so bad as presentations, and i am getting a lot of practice at those...unfortunately.

But what on earth possessed me to pick a subject that is primarily about debating issues with logic and reason?!

*sighs*

It's like self harming in a completely illogical way.

Well, hell.

You've chosen to do it now, and you're still as fucking curious as ever, so you're just gunna have to get over your shit and get on with it.

If only it was that feckin' easy.

I've been thinking a lot about what's going to happen in September.

I'm scared i won't make any friends.

Which in some respects, is so irrational of me, i can't help but laugh.

I'm nice to people (unless they give me a reason not to be) so i don't usually get hated at first sight.

But it's going to be so far from anyone else i know...so far no matter where i go.

And there's no guarantee that i'll find somewhere i fit in, or that i will actually make good friends.

But it's a big city i suppose, and i did it when i moved here, didn't i?

I moved 40 miles away (which is quite a lot by our standards, especially when you don't drive) and i didn't know anyone.

But i'm friends with everyone on my course now, i've even had four of them stay here with me.

I know that if i ever needed help, they're there for me.

And they all trust me to look at their work and help them out and stuffs....

So, maybe i'm worrying about nothing, but i probably won't stop worrying until i get there and get settled.

God damn it.

At least i don't rely on other people to check my work for me.

That would be a disaster in the making.

I've tried telling all of them, especially those that constantly have me sort out their sentance structure, spelling and grammar; it's really not the best idea.

I can barely cope as it is; with trying to write and edit my own work, and check over five other peoples at the same time.

I'm not doing it at Uni...it made me crack up when Tivi actually suggested sending me her assignments through email for me to look over.

No...just no. It's not going to happen.

I don't care if i do have free time that i could do it in. It's my free time, and although i might be a sucker for helping people sometimes, just no.

It's not really fair to ask me either.

It means i rush my own work in an effort to make sure theirs is okay.

You could say it's my own fault for leaving my work until the last minute, but i have that right don't i?

I shouldn't be doing my own and other peoples work at the last minute...'cause they all leave it tul then too.

And if i keep helping them, how are they ever going to learn what's right and what's wrong?

I'm not even that helpful either.

I don't check the content at all really...sometimes i'll ask why they included something if it feels highly irrelevant to me or it just plain doesn't make sense, but otherwise i'm only looking at the way it's written, not what they're actually writing.

You wouldn't know i could write properly from the way i write in here i suppose.

But i can, i promise.

I get to be lax in here 'cause it just my thoughts, nothing big.

So where was i earlier?

Yeah. What the feck am i going to do with my weekends?!

Maybe i should finish off my scrap booking...or...oh feck, i really don't know.

And i'm hungry now...and i feel dirty.

A bath and some popcorn...yeah that sounds good.

I don't have to make dinner tonight 'cause i made enough chicken korma to feed a small army yesterday.

Mwahaha.

Go do something Rach. Seriously.

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