I'm in a curious mood today.

Sort of agitated with my anti-social behaviour (yet again) too.

This whole not-having-two-pennies-to-rub-together thing also truly blows.

I think that, along with starting my History assignment tomorrow, i really need to apply for a shed load of jobs.

It's even more annoying that my phone is still out of commission - and i didn't realise quite how lonely that made me feel until yesterday.

I desperately wanted to speak with Ma and Lew - and not even for any specific reason - just to have a random chat, you know?

And i couldn't think of a way to get them to ring me, so i went on Facebook and messaged Lew and then he messaged back that he couldn't ring my mobile 'cause he had no minutes, but he'd ring the land line. I forget I�m the one with a gazillion minutes on their phone.

So i went hunting for the house phone, completely forgetting we had one up until this point - only to find it had zero charge 'cause one of the lads had unplugged it.

*sighs*

Sometimes living with a couple of guys really blows.

Like the big mound of washing up next to the sink which has been slowly growing for 48 hours; and has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with Simon.

Or the toilet seat which for some unknown reason is completely unattached and in the bath?!

Not forgetting the pile of Xbox game cases i tripped over this morning, 'cause some idiot left them strewn on the floor at the bottom of the stairs.

Oh and the fact i couldn't find a book i needed for love nor money, under the mountain of empty beer bottles and pizza boxes that is the dining room table.

I dunno. I feel like one of those naggy girlfriends - only i'm not nagging, nor am i a girlfriend, i'm keeping quiet - and quietly shaking my head everytime i leave my room. So much so that i can't help but laugh.

It's sort of odd really.

I've lived with two guys before - just not at the same time - and they were also my boyfriends. And i wasn't a nagger - sure i'm ocd about things being neat, so i used to walk around cleaning up after them - but i never once huffed about it or asked them to do more than was piss easy.

It drove one of them mad. He said i made him feel guilty 'cause i was so neat and tidy - he actually shouted if i picked up his rubbish or an empty glass on my way to the kitchen. And i could understand the guilt - if I�d done it in a way that was designed to make him feel bad - but it was just second nature to me.

I don't mind cleaning up after the people i care about. I don't even think about it, seriously, i just do it, because it's how i was brought up to be.

Ma is a stickler for things being in their place - but whereas she would shove things in a draw and go for the minimalistic effect - i organise everything to a fault (i even line batteries and shoe laces up) and have a lot of stuff out, just in its own special place. Religiously organised chaos.

It's a little wacky; i'm well aware of this. But besides my neat freakiness - i was actually a pretty fuck awesome girlfriend.

Probably why I�ve never been officially dumped. Not that it's anything to be proud of, just means i'm a dumper.

I say officially, 'cause Mark did break up with me once, and then came crawling back two days later

I'm not the jealous type - so if they wanna disappear to Goth bars full of hot girls in Nottingham at the weekend, then so be it. I'm not gunna call or text and be irritating 'cause i want them to have fun. And I especially don�t moan about being left on my own � I like the space. Plus flirting is cool; you can look all you want, so long as you don�t touch.

But on the same note, if a woman goes too far in my presence, i know how to stake my claim and look hot while i'm doing it.

I love going out and trying anything - whether it's feckin' mini golf, a football game or some indie movie in a run-down theatre. I'm pretty much willing to try anything once or twice. I�m easy � wow that statement made me feel all kinds of sick.

And i can stay at home and snuggle and watch awful horror movies and comedies that just make no sense to me. Plus�the sex and what not? I�ve never had a single complaint � on the feckin� contrary.

Jeez. I�m admittedly thoughtful � like stupidly so sometimes � always buying boyfriends things when I�m out � whether it�s their favourite food or some cd by a band they like - and expecting nothing in return. I don�t moan about the heavy metal even if my ears feel like they�re bleeding and I cook for friends that come over, even when they�re not my own.

I�m not exactly stupid or unlikeable, and I can hold my own in pretty much every situation you put me in. I can handle all the bills and housework on my own while you piss about on your PlayStation. What more could you feckin� want from me? So what if I clean up after you; is that really such a bad thing?

I don�t even know why I�m ranting about this. Men always claim at failing to understand the opposite sex, well I claim the same thing. Maybe that�s why I always walk away � I�m perfectly happy on my own, but I don�t think they are. It�s like a dependency thing, somehow they become dependent on me, and I really hate that. It�s not that I�m not strong enough for it; I just don�t want to be the strongest one in the relationship. I want the chauvinistic male who demands to look after me �cause I�m a woman; even if I end up punching him in his nether regions for even suggesting it.

I like strong dominant men who I can depend on � then I don�t mind if they do a bit of leaning �cause I�ll be doing the same. Shits sake.

My boyfriend�s tend to get complacent. Everything seems good for them, so they don�t check whether it�s all good for me. But I�m not normal, so I don�t really do normal relationships. And yeah, I can be difficult to understand � but I�m thinking that had something to do with them not being so smart or intuitive.

I go for the tormented guys. It�s a shitty habit that I need to get rid of. I fall for the ones I can see have problems. I don�t know whether I have some sort of complex that makes me want to fix them, or whether I�m just the nurturing sort � probably the former. It always works out well for them and cruddy for me. Only, tormented doesn�t equal strong, neither does it equal smart. Shit. I just want a hot smart independent guy who has a bit of life experience � is that so much to ask for? Clearly.

I�m excruciatingly far from perfect, but I always try to make things work until one day it takes too much from me. So I walk. Maybe one day I�ll find someone it�s not so easy to walk away from. Mind you, the walking part is never easy.

It�s like, one day you�re in a committed relationship, you�ve bought a house together � you�ve talked about marriage and kids and you know it�s on the cards for the future, your whole lives revolve around each other after all � then you�re sipping coffee on the balcony of your hotel room in Italy and he�s asleep In the bedroom behind you, and while you�re staring at the lake and the mountains you suddenly fill up with hope; you can�t explain it, you just suddenly feel like there�s so many possibilities out there for you and none of them include the man behind you - and then the next thing you know, you�ve packed your bags and you�re telling him you can�t be this unhappy anymore �cause it�s killing you, and you�re sorry but you�ve got to leave. You�ll both be better off; he doesn�t know it right now, but it�s true. And he�s crying and he doesn�t understand � and it�s making you sad, so sad, but at the same time you want to laugh �cause you haven�t felt this care free in such a long long time.

Nothing good in life comes easy right?

Enough of this. So I heard back from another university � effectively my last choice � but they rejected me! I was pretty disheartened at first, despite not wanting to go there�and then I was paranoid. So I drew up a table and entered all five universities and their ratings for both my subjects and their overall ranking in this country.

So it turns out Hull is actually the best academically. They came top out of my five choices and Staffordshire (who rejected me) came last. So colour me confused, but since when does the worst one you�ve applied for say no, and the best say yes?

Then my Ma said that considering some of them have as little as 30 places on the course I�ve applied for, maybe they rejected me because they can see who else I�ve applied to, and that the best one has already said yes, so they can reserve the place for someone more likely to accept it. And I got even more paranoid, because what if she�s right and Winchester does the same? Then I emailed Winchester, saying they were my first choice and I�d booked on the open day, and what was the chance of me hearing from them before that actual day?

I�m a little less panicked now. But still seriously worried they may say no. I�m going to have to look into Hull a little bit more I think � especially now I know they�re the best I�ve applied for. But my hearts really with Winchester � god please let them say yes. Maybe Hull wouldn�t be a bad alternative. Though, besides Winchester I still have Bath Spa and Roehampton to consider � at least I hope I have.

Yesterday wasn�t a total mopey day anyhow. I managed to write a poem about this strange dream I had � it kind of shocks me sometimes, how it just creeps up on me and my thoughts actually come over all poetic.

I used to worry that I�d never be able to write anything when I needed to, but as soon as I let myself relax, my mind does something wonderful and I�m scrambling for a pen and paper to get it all down. I�m not so scared about doing this at Uni anymore, sure I�m still a tad bit worried, but something tells me I�ll find a way to do it, and do it pretty well.

Regardless of what else I do with my day, as long as I get some writing done, read a little bit of something different and cook a proper meal for tea � I feel like I�ve done something worthwhile. Pathetic � probably, but very much true.

J wants to go visit the British Library � I�ll find a way to take him up on his offer so long as we visit the Tate. God damn need some more money.

Still super stoked about this week at Ma's.

Oh yeah, Ma wants me to invite Grams for dinner at hers this Weds. Neither her nor Lew have spoken to her since Christmas, so it's down to me to mend their bridges for them. Funny how that always seems to happen.

Right, I�ll stop blathering. Happy Sunday people.