Having perspective is an admirable thing diary. It�s also an agonising thing; especially when you feel as though you have foot-in-mouth disease which always comes along before the perspective. I�m teaching myself to think before I speak, and take other things into account. It�s not always personal, and it can�t always be helped.

I�ve been doing a lot of thinking lately; over-thinking some would call it, but thinking none the less.

Since coming to Winchester I haven�t felt happier, or more at home. You know that feeling at home is a big deal to me�in some ways I feel as though I�ve been uprooting myself since the age of 11, and that not sticking to any one thing or place with happiness has led me to become flighty�capricious.

I sat in my room heavily debating the merits and disadvantages to applying for the American Exchange next year, when Bobby walked in and asked what I was doing. I explained myself and he offered me up a piece of advice: �I don�t think you should do it. You�re happy here and I really think you need to settle down for a while. Get some roots, allow you to just be yourself. You need some stability and you�ve got it here � you�re really growing into yourself. You can go off travelling wherever when you�ve finished your degree.�

Usually, I�m pretty notorious for ignoring advice if it goes against a direction I might be leaning towards, but it made me pause for thought.

First of all, I was super surprised that he knew me so well already. But then I realised it made sense. I�ve spent so much time with him and Luke over the past seven weeks that it�s becoming inevitable. We know each other already � not everything obviously, but the essentials of who we really are as people have been laid bare; and we still like each other.

The fact that he knew how unstable I always felt, without me ever mentioning it, just amazed me. I always thought I was a closed off person, and I know how tight lipped I can be, but living with open and honest people who offer up tid-bits about my personality sort of fascinates me.

Claire says I�m a really open and friendly person, someone really upfront about how they feel about things, and that it�s easy to tell when my mood has changed. Bobby said practically the same thing to me yesterday; he told me that I close myself off when someone upsets me, and it�s easy for him to notice �cause he�s used to me being so open and honest � even blunt sometimes. That when I go quiet and insist everything�s okay he knows it�s not, and I just need a little coaxing to say what the problem is�.which according to him is usually Jonny. I do tend to close myself off when he�s around � but I just can�t relax around the guy, you know?

Then there�s things like how touchy feely I am. I can remember being this way as a teenager; when i felt close to someone my personal boundaries would change enormously, but the way I felt about them would stay the same. I�m a hugger�I like to snuggle and entwine my feet with other people. I like to be touching another body a lot of the time�which makes me sound a little creepy when said like that�but I�m just a tad touchy feely. I knew this diary�deep down I knew I was like this, but the past eight years have only given me little moments to be like this and then it gets ripped out from under me.

I�m also a huge flirt�.like a huge one � I love joking with someone. Only, I mean it harmlessly. I think crude jokes are hilarious, as long as it�s not an overload of them, and I tend to make them myself. This is probably why I get along with guys so much � I don�t get all prudish and close myself off to them � and I�m not about to think they love me if they do the same back. Sure I have my bitchy moments, and I�m a moody fecker when I want to be�but guys are just the same. I take out that whiny high maintenance element that so many women seem to have drilled into their core being and I�m light hearted.

I guess what I�m getting at with all of this, is that I�m starting to feel more like the person I was. And a little like the person I am. Having good friends and a great environment is beneficial, and Bobby was right when he pointed that out to me. It wouldn�t be a bad thing to stay here for the whole three years, as it is I don�t really want to go home.

And as much as I know this won�t last beyond those three years, I can use them to grow into who I am, and the friendships I form here and the lessons I learn can last me a life time. This feels like such an essential part of my being already and I�m not ready to give it up.

So I�ve made up my mind, and I�m not going to apply. I�m going to get a house with Luke, Bobby and whoever else wants to join us for the next two years�and I�m going to have an awesome time growing into myself. I�ll still do the American Studies road trip they do in the Easter holidays of my second year, and I�ll try and use my time wisely by working to save up throughout the uni year and over the summer to do some travelling when I�ve got my degree�and maybe a few small trips in the holidays.

It can be done�my spending has been so much better since I�ve got here. My money situation feels more under control than ever, and I know I have the ability to graduate in three years without any debt and with a chunk of money to explore the world. I�ll be a changed person, and it�ll be the best feeling�it already is.

All the times I�ve made plans before felt so unstable and sketchy�but this time I�m not speaking from the heart, but the pure reality of my situation.

To further my causes for sticking around, I now have a job on campus in the food hall. It�s not glamorous by any means; but it pays okay, has flexible hours and feeds me on the job, so I seriously can�t complain. I�m limiting myself to 11 hours a week at the moment, but there�s plenty of opportunities for overtime, and I�ve still got my weekends completely free. Bonus being that I get to keep the job for the next three years � no more job hunting!

I figure that this job, combined with full time temp work over the three summers before graduation and the extra grant money I don�t need, could lead to me saving up to �15,000 to travel with�how amazing would that be diary? I could totally disappear for a year. I can do what I�ve always wanted and travel the globe�it�s too amazing to think about right now�.but that�s the plan!

I�ve also got my student rep duties for the next three years. The meeting we had was better than I thought it would be, and having to speak up in front of all my tutors was a bit nerve wracking, but totally worth the improvement in my confidence. I�ve also made a friend of Ryan, who is absolutely awesome and makes me bite my tongue with laughter the whole way though the meetings. Bonus being that we get the student magazine publications for free as reps, and a 10% discount in the store. Oh yeah�Winchester hoody here I come! I�m starting to get recognised as a rep too (probably something to do with my picture being on the homepage) and random people approach me with queries. It�s kind of nice to be helpful.

And, if I�m really lucky, then I�ll be a volunteer at the Winchester Hospital Radio. It�s a lot harder to get in than I thought it would be, but I don�t know what possessed me to think they�d just take any old person on to help. I had an interview with them last week and I�m waiting to hear if they�ll have me. I really hope they do take me on, because it�ll be such a great experience.

I get my fist two essays back on Wednesday and I�m having kittens about them. As long as I get above 60% and I�m in 2:1 territory then I�ll be happy. I know I could have worked a lot harder on them, and that�s what I�m attempting to do with the rest of my assessments. Fingers crossed I�ll pass this year with a clear 2:1. I know I�m good enough; I just have to prove it.

I meant to do NaNoWriMo with my awesome story idea, but as per usual I procrastinated and decided I didn�t want the additional pressure of trying to write 1667 words a day. I�m now nursing my novel idea and planning it out in my free time � I�m still going to write it, but not on a time limit. I�ve never worked well with those. I figure I might start it at Christmas � a month off with no homework is a fabulous opportunity!

My short story idea is still going really well � the feedback I got for it was really good and anything negative was entirely constructive. It�s actually caused me to change my story for the better�so I�ll see how that goes. At the minute I�m trying to think up an article idea for this online Review paper for students. � I may decide not to bother with this too, but I�d really like to make regular contributions to something in writing.

So�what else is new? I�m thinking of joining the hospital gym next month. I�ll go and scope it out, and if it seems like a nice place then I�m going to go at it and start losing some weight.

Luke came back from town the other morning with Gregg�s breakfasts for the three of us. I thought it was so darn sweet � and there was me about to berate him for waking me up. Never again.

I probably can�t stress enough how glad I am to have these two men in my life. I�ve had some melancholy moments lately�with my sister deciding she�s going to completely ignore me anytime I say hello, my brother failing to ring me again, my mum being a complete cow over the phone and my Grandma getting on her high horse about respect.

But I�ve come to a realisation�I just have to live this life for myself.

Lewis is growing up � he�s not going to want me around all the time now he�s living his own life, and sometimes strong connections you have with people dwindle over distances. That�s okay � he�ll always be my little brother and we�ll always love each other. But it�s okay to go off and do our own thing now. It�s okay to live in separate counties�even separate countries, and not talk all the time.

Amber and me have never been close, and we never will be. I�m through trying to be nice about it all � if she wants me then she knows where to find me. I have my own life to live and I�m sick of letting the guilt over her and my dad eat me alive. I�m leaving them behind.

Ma is always going to be Ma. She can�t give me what I want, and a long distance relationship is the best form of relationship we have. I�m just going to do my own thing and leave it to her to contact me when she feels it�s her duty. Maybe one day she�ll be properly proud of me, but in the mean-time I�m not going to lose sleep over it. I�m a good person, and I have a good life.

Grandma�I�m over trying to reconcile our differences. She lives in the past and I�m just not willing to do that. She�s making me realise how little I really need my family when push comes to shove � I didn�t choose to have her in my life, and my life isn�t empty without her in it.

Call me harsh or delusional, but it�s okay to be selfish. It�s okay to forge ahead at your own pace and not look back. This place and these people are my life for the next three years, and if my family doesn�t want to find a way to fit in to this period of time then they�ll get left behind.

Then after that, I�m travelling and I�m finding somewhere else that makes me feel at home. No more trying to shift things around because of inlaid guilt and responsibility. I�m responsible for no one but myself, and I�ll do what�s best for me and my wellbeing.

After all, this is all they do anyway. I�m none of their top priorities, so why should they ever be mine? I probably sound bitter about it, but I promise I�m not. I just�I�m tired of feeling all this hurt and anger over the things people I love do, I just want to be free of it.

They suffocate me and the misunderstand me. Everyone in my past does. I need to distance myself, and maybe then they�ll accept who I really am. Sometimes absence shows all the change you need to see in a person�.and in the world.

I love where I�m at, and I don�t want to let anyone ruin it. So I won�t.

Right, I better get going. Got a procession of torches, a bonfire and some fireworks to go see tonight. Whoop.

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