And as per usual, i don't really know why.

But i think it's a multi faceted thing....too many little issues that i pretend aren't there and then my brain just shuts itself down and says...

'Rachael, you silly little witch, if you don't deal with some of this right now, this very minute, then it's only going to get worse. Be a good grown up girl like you're supposed to be and work through stuff like any normal person would.'

But no. I just go all quiet and moody and feel like crawling in my bed in the middle of a lesson 'cause i hate being around people when i'm like this.

God. And i seriously need to stop saying that too.

Okay. One problem at a time you ninny. If you don't look at things properly you're going to turn into a pessimistic hypochondriac. Just like your grandmamma.

Why don't you want to talk to Jamie, Rachael?

Emotional claustrophobia. You share your bed with a guy once, just as a friend, and then they never seem to leave you alone. I need space...and lots of it.

So what are you going to do about it?

Play nice. Emphasise the whole hermit thing...and ignore the late night text messages until he gets the message loud and clear.

Okay. It's a plan. Why are you still mad at yourself over it?

Because it's not normal to feel so suffocated by people. And because it would be really nice if i wasn't all alone all the frickin' time.

Well....who do you have to blame for that?

Myself. Because i'm a bit of a weirdo who enjoys her own company too much. And because clearly i have several issues. Emotional connections being at the forefront.

Well now. You're still an optimistic person right?

I suppose so.

Then stop fretting. If people don't understand you need your own space and you can't always tell them that you care, then it's not your problem. It's theirs. Someone out there, somewhere, will understand you perfectly.

Okay fine. What the fuck ever. Move on to the next issue now please.

Oookay. Why are you worried about money?

Because i'm a shopaholic and as per usual i've spent more money than i actually have this month. And i still desperately want to buy Lewis those converse trainers i saw in Office today. On sale!

Is that the wisest idea? I mean...where has all your money gone, if it hasn't already gone on presents??

Fuck if i know. Actually...i really don't know where it's all gone *sighs* But i really want to get him those trainers. And it'l be the last thing - i promise.

How many times do you say that to yourself? Do you have any self control what so ever?

Clearly not. But then we knew that anyway. If i want something then i always find a way to get it. How resourceful and utterly stupid of me.

I concur. So...are you still going to buy them?

How's about this for a plan...I wait until i've been to the job centre tomorrow, and if they start giving me my payments straight away, then i'm pretty much guaranteed another �200 this month, which is more than enough to live on. So i'll go and buy them.

Okay...that's not such a bad idea. But is �200 really enough to live on?

Yeah sure. I only have my phone bill and one creditcard minimum payment to worry about...that's like �60? And i have enough food to last a few weeks...but i'm not even here for a week or so and when i am here i'll be busy studying. I have what...three weeks until i get paid again?..and out of that...say five days are at home studying? Then seven at Mums for Christmas....and then another five at home studying and relaxing. And then three days of college before more money comes in.

Okay. That's true. You can do this. But really and truly, the more money you have the better. Don't you have any other ways of getting money?

Ummmm. Oooh. I have �6 coming back from Accessorize.

Yeah. Cause that'l help.

Ha ha. Okay. I'm returning one of the pairs of trousers to Evans cause i only want one...so that's like another �30. Plus there's �34 in my bank spare after my rent and utilities. So that's like....another �70. That's �270 minus the �25 for his trainers...and the �60 for the bills....that's like �185. That's plenty!

Sure. That seems okay. What's your back up plan?

Ebay. Haul ass and list all the shiz remaining and hope to make some money - and go through my bedroom making sure there's nothing else i don't really want!
Oh, and make those child minding leaflets and distribute them over town.
AND give ALG people a call and see if i can get that money early....cause that's like �120...and housing benefit. If i get that early then i'll be laughing.

If you get that early then you're paying off the holiday to Greece and putting the rest towards your camera.

But i'll have plenty of money for the camera next month!

Tough luck. It's going towards it.

Okay. I suppose that makes sense.

Right. Well that's that sorted out then. You feeling any better about it all?

Yeah...a little. Aslong as the meeting goes well tomorrow and i make myself do the things i say i'm going to do, then it should be okay.

*smiles* Now what else is wrong with you, ya blitherin' idiot?

Nice. Ummm. I haven't spoken to Lynn...or Becky. I think i've done something wrong. Only i'm not entirely sure what.

Didn't Becky just get a new job?

Well, yes.

Did it not occur to you that she might actually be a tad bit busy right now?

I guess so. But she has time for a text right?

Don't you ever forget to text people?

We both know i do. All the feckin' time. Why do you think there's a list of names on a whiteboard in my room?!

Because you're pretty dense sometimes.

How true.

Well then she's obviously been busy and forgotten. Didn't she facebook message you telling you she'd ring you soon...only just this morning??

Yesssss. Okay okay. So she'l ring when she has time. And then i can take her present over to her and it'l be all hunky dory.

Now you're being smart. So Lynn....that's a deeper issue...am i right?

Probably. She just doesn't make any effort anymore. And she hardly did before. And i'm tired of blaming myself for it.

Stop blaming yourself then. If she can't take the time to pick up the phone and call you back then she's obviously not worth it.

You're right. I'll hand her present in at the station if she's really going to keep ignoring me. But i should try and give her the benefit of the doubt...she may ring before then and everything will be fine!

Precisely. You worry wart. And who just phoned you to tell you they'd been super busy lately, but wanted you to come over at the weekend...and again next tuesday for a pre birthday dinner???

*blushes* Becky.

And didn't she also ramble on about having bought you birthday AND christmas presents? Despite the fact she doesn't celebrate it much, but knows you do?!

Becky. Maybe i ought to get her a little something else for christmas....

You realise nothing i say to try and sway you will have any effect what so ever?

Yu huh. But i'll wait until tomorrow afternoon...until after the job centre meeting.

There's a good, if slightly idiotic, girl. So back on track. Cousin Becky loves you lots so you can let go of that particular paranoia. And Lynn will ring. If she doesn't, then she doesn't. You don't need anyone remember?

Yeah i remember.

Why so sad still?

I have three assignments to do and one silly presentation that i can't choose a topic for and really really really wish i din't have to do.

Well. You have a stack of books and journal articles relating to each assignment right?

Right.

And you understand the general idea of each assignment? You know History is all about Stalin's rise to power, Sociology is all about stratification and Psychology is all about memory experiments...right?

Right. Your point being?

You're not an idiot (Most of the time). Just sit your ass down on saturday and start writing History. I bet you any money you'll have finished by the time you go to get the bus to Becky's.

Okay i can do that.

And when you've done that, you can go visit Lorna and Anika and get that present exchange out of the way. Then you have another two days to get your Sociology done.

Okay. I think i can do that too.

Then chillax. You'll have seven days of fun. Presents and baking and movies and whatever else you decide to do with your time.

Okay okay. I'm calm. But what about Psychology? And the presentation??

You have five days before you're due back, correct?

Correctomondo!

DO IT THEN!

Sure. Why not.

Good. Now don't you srart lamenting over the fact you didn't read the entire book for book group - you still managed to have a good discussion didn't you?

Yup. Sure did.

And you know Shay isn't mad at you anymore. If she ever even was. It was probably all in your head.

*smiles* No she loves me again. Despite my comments today on men feeling threatened by powerful women.

See. She knows you're a silly moo. And Tivi's not mad at you either, is she?!

No. She bought me two wooly hats from Republic for my birthday. One bright purple and one greyish blue.

There you are then. Everything's good. Anything else you can't seem to work out for yourself?

Um....no. I don't think so.

I've decided to join the gym in January...when i'll actually be here to enjoy the benefits. It's not like i'm gaining weight right now anyway, what with my ability to forget to eat most meals these days.

And after i've bought Becky a little something else...and Lew's trainers. Then i'll be super careful with money for the rest of the month.

It'l work out okay. It always does really.

I'm just over reacting to my own stupidity. I get that.

So...enough of this. I'm going to lie down and read for a while.

Lord knows i need to relax.

Mike Posner - Please Don't Go

Get thee to a nunnery! - Shakespeare

Black with pink smarties and smiley faces