Love this song. Love Clive Owen. He's like another Nicholas Cage.

Sometimes I read over what I�ve written in the space of a year, and I can�t help but think I sound bipolar. And I�m probably going to sound very much so again today. But who cares? Everyone�s entitled to mood swings � there just seems to be a semi-permanent reminder of mine on here.

I don�t think I am though, bipolar that is, I just have frequent changes of heart. My cousin would tell you I�m the most independent person she knows, and at the same time I�m so unbelievably impressionable. You know the candy aisles right next to the checkouts? They put those there for people like me. Same goes for adverts � don�t let me watch them.

It�s just that every time something different comes to my attention, I sort of pause to take it in and then compare it to everything else I know. My opinion, no matter how sturdy in appearance, is always completely rockable. But I like to call it open mindedness or diplomacy.

I have this awful propensity to see or search for every side of something. Its okay when it�s someone else�s arguments, for example, �cause I can intervene and explain both sides to the other and it usually works out pretty well [provided they aren�t block headed] but when it�s my arguments, it really sucks being able to see how the other person feels. That�s probably where the whole forgiveness thing comes from.

It helps out in other areas of life too, and again in some others it sort of sucks. I really like to be in control [like semi �control freak control]; but that�s not the easiest thing to do when your mind can�t seem to come to any sort of firm conclusion, or the minute it does, some new evidence presents itself and you find yourself pondering everything from a new angle. I am good at solving mysteries and puzzles though. Freak.

It�s turned me in to a very judgemental person with an insatiable curiosity, unfortunately. I�m always thinking these nasty thoughts about people, well not nasty per say, but not exactly light and fluffy, you know? And that�s also why I tend to read the last page or chapter of a book first [and no it doesn�t ruin it for me �cause I like to know how it gets to there too]. I�m pretty hopeless. But on the plus side, for everyone else that is, I am just as judgemental about myself; even more so really.

Well anyway, I was reading something and it sort of reminded me of how lucky I am, in a sense. I mean, I know I get in really shitty moods sometimes, even to the point where you really can�t talk to me �cause I�ll explode with anger, and I know I have a few issues still to overcome or find a way to work with, �cause my life so far hasn�t always been pleasant; but there are so many worse things out there. Everyone is entitled to wallow in self-pity every now and then, everyone is entitled to bad days, or bad periods of time, EVERYONE. But I feel like amongst all of this I�ve lost sight of everything that makes me happy.

I�ve lost sight of the fact I need to push myself outside �cause that�s where I really come into my own. I think about how happy the simplest of things usually make me, and how much I�ve deprived myself of, just by sulking around the house for so long. There are worse things in this life, so many bad things that have happened to other people and haven�t happened to me. I�m eternally grateful for that.

I don�t go and sit on a swing in the middle of the night anymore, I don�t lie on the grass and stare at the stars, I don�t walk by the river and pick wild flowers, I don�t jump in it when I�m feeling hot and bothered, I don�t take my camera and find all the beautiful things around me to capture for eternity with my lens, I don�t take a book to a park and sit under a tree reading, I don�t dance about the house with my headphones in, I don�t laugh and joke in my completely sardonic and often misunderstood way, I don�t paint whatever comes to the surface of my mind, I don�t experiment with baking, I don�t sketch, I don�t write, I don�t go swimming, I don�t go to concerts, I don�t cycle through the countryside, I don�t visit museums and galleries, I don�t visit family, I don�t spend time with friends, I don�t visit every zoo or animal park I come across, I don�t take the train to odd places and investigate. I don�t go on holidays; I don�t have silly movie nights. I don�t live.

Some of these are recent, some of these I stopped doing a long time ago, and what for? I need to stop the moody act. I need to stop feeling like this is it and there�s nowhere else to go. There�s no point spending time missing the things I�ve lost � I should be out finding them again. I need to stop staying up until 4am and then struggling to wake myself up to get to college. I need to stop surviving off of junk food and coffee. I need to stop procrastinating and deal with things as they happen. I need to, in essence, liberate myself from the hole I�ve dug.

I know I need money and time for some of these things, but really, that�s not that far off. I�ll find a job and I�ll sort myself out, I�ve never really doubted that. Then I can get a camera again and I can spend any free time I have doing things I love. Life is too short, as they say. I have a long summer ahead of me and I�m going to do some really stupid things, �cause I miss that. I miss not thinking of the consequences, I miss not weighing all my options. I miss just acting on impulse. I�ve always been a cross between two things. Whether that�s naughty or nice, silly or smart, sad or happy; planner or impulsive. I fluctuate � I�ve remained stagnant for far too long. I need to find my wild side again � I�m fed up of being reasonable and constrained.

This isn�t how I want my life to go. Shit. I�ve got a real chance at doing something with myself. I�ve got my university place and I�m so stoked about it � but I gotta start thinking about the other things that matter for my future. And being happy should be the first thought on my mind every day.

I know what the problem is, and I hate that I�ve made this into such a big problem that it paralyses me. I�m poor and unfit. Stupid huh? My two biggest problems are solved with a job and a gym membership. I don�t feel like myself like this. I�m used to being able to run around in dresses and flip-flops and I ruined that when I became a comfort eating depressive. I�m used to having money to splurge at every opportunity and I ruined that by getting sacked �cause I chose college.

But there is another way of looking at things. I can join the gym this month, like I keep saying I will, and I can work super hard to feel like I�m inside myself again. And I can get a job and use the money wisely, learning from this experience. I already have more than I could possibly need; I reminded myself of that when I went through my bedroom. I mean, do I really need 30+ necklaces? 20+ bags? 40+ earrings? 20+ Alice bands? No. But I�ve got them there and i�m going to make use of them.

I know I�m sometimes highly materialistic. I love being able to accessorize my outfit and I adore buying little things that make me smile. And fuck you if you think that makes me shallow. This is just the way I am. I love shopping and that�s not about to change. But I can be more sensible, and I can make more use of the things I already have. Baby steps, yeah?

I just want to stop swinging back and forth and actually make a real go of it, of being happy, you know? At least I�m good at realising all my options, even if it does leave me confounded sometimes. And I�m not saying I�ll stop being a hermit, �cause I�ve always been kind of alone, but I�ll be an outgoing hermit. That works for me.

So, anyway, I have a job interview with WHSmiths tomorrow morning. I skipped college today �cause I needed to use the house phone to ring for a crisis loan � I need some smart black trousers and a smart top, even if this leaves me with no money for food. I have to make a good first impression. Which means: piercings out; tattoos covered up with long sleeves; and searching out the black leather ankle boots I know I have somewhere to polish to near newness.

It�s at the train station, which is sort of ironic considering I swore I would never work on the railway again. I�m not � but I will be on railway property if I get the job, and I�ll probably run into people I know. Alas, it�s a 5-10am Mon-Fri shift � which, although the early hours will kill me, is kind of perfect. I�d only be late for one college class and even so, it�s only for five weeks. Then if I managed to get an evening or weekend job on top of this, I�d be able to save for the summer and get everything under control.

Well, fingers crossed and all the jazz. It�s my cousins 17th birthday today; Ma put my name in the card with a cheque, which was yet again another sweet act that took me back a bit. She even refused to take money back for my train fare on the way up to visit them. It�s nice � I�ve gotta start using another adjective to describe her sweetness � oh look a noun! That�ll do.

She�s woken me up three days in a row this week, but I shouldn�t complain; at least she�s ringing me, right? I�m being such a baby today. Dya know what I had for breakfast? A peanut butter & jam sandwich and an aero hot chocolate. Yum. Beats fucking cornflakes.

Right, I�m off to paint my nails blue and purple and sort shiz out for tomorrow. Eek.