I�m restless in the extreme today. One part tired, one part frustrated and another part bored.

I guess this is just how I am now, you know; struggling to find satisfaction in the simplest of things.

I don�t know when I got this way, but reversing it isn�t anything like driving a car, or perhaps it is, depending on how competent you are in reverse gear.

I keep thinking about what job I want to do after University. And although I know I have a ton of time to figure it out; it�s been on my mind a lot lately.

Most people set out with a career path in mind, you know? And the only thing I know I�d love to do is writing. But I can�t rely on something like that to bring money in, chances are it won�t make me a lot, when or if it happens, and I�ll need something to survive off of, it�s just�what do I do?

I want something I�ll enjoy and something I won�t tire of. Something that won�t stress me out too much and uses my brain. But, most of all, something that stays interesting and appealing.

It�s just, there are so many things that do appeal. Working in a gallery or a museum, publishing, editing, columnist work, travel writing, journalism or even teaching.

How will I know what to do? How will I know where I want to live? What I want to be?

I�m like a loose thread hanging onto the safety blanket that is my life, the knowable and the predictable. But I�ve already snagged on something once, I�ve been loosened and I�m unravelling � it�s exciting and nerve racking�and suddenly, knowingly, I�m going to break loose. I�ll be adrift in the world, flying from one place to another, following the wind wherever it takes me � with this capacity to sew myself into anything that takes my fancy. Anything I really want to be or do can become a possibility.

So how do you choose what you want to be a part of?

I know I want to travel, and I know I want to write. But where to build a home, you know? Where to bring up kids and make a life for myself? Shit. This sounds so silly �cause it�s such a long way off, but I can�t seem to help it.

Another thing that�s bugging me is my relationship status. And I don�t even know why it�s bugging me. Maybe I�m lonely? Jeez. It shouldn�t be this hard to figure out.

My Grams keeps hinting at the fact I�m single at 24 and my 17 year old cousin isn�t. But I�m like, jeez lady, I wasn�t single from the age of 15-22 [13 if you wanna count all the ridiculous little relationships I used to have] and I�ve only seriously been on my own for like�ten or eleven months. What does she want from me? We�re not all jumping for joy at the prospect of babies and marriage as soon as possible like she was. But she�s got me thinking about it, and the worst thing you can do is over-think something like this.

And it�s not like I even want to be in a relationship. And I�m not saying this to myself to make up for the fact I�m single; I still truly believe I need to be completely happy before I can take a relationship seriously. I�ve had enough of being a great girlfriend and quietly drowning in my own misery until I snap and leave them. It�s not fair on anyone.

I don�t feel like being with someone just for fun, it�s not really my style. When I fall, I fall heavily � which would be the last thing I�d want to happen. Look at last time if you want an example. But I just�sometimes it would be nice to have someone to share things with and someone to hug and stuff. And yeah, I miss sex. Who doesn�t? I was an every single day kind of girl � it�s hard to go from that, to nothing. Really hard.

I�m not scared that I won�t find someone anymore though, that doesn�t seem to be a problem. But what if I let it happen and four years down the line I�m just unhappy again?

I feel like I wasted all the years I spent with various guys, and the only way I can stop that feeling is by believing there�s someone so much better out there, and all of this was just to prepare me for that. Silly huh? But how do you know you�ve found that better something if you don�t try it? And what if you try it and it fails?

What if? What if? What if? That�s just life really, isn�t it? A bunch of what if�s.

I�m tiring myself out with all this talk of the future. Half of me lives in the now and the other half lives firmly in the future. Forget all this living in the past malarkey. *laughs*

Max: Small is good. My powers are able to slip right through the cracks.
Judith: But what if the cracks are closed up?
Max: Then I have a re-cracker, which goes right through that.
Judith: But what if they have some sort of material that re-crackers can't get through?
Max: Then I have a double re-cracker, which can get through anything in this whole universe. And that's the end, and there's nothing more powerful after that, ever. Period.
Alexander: He has a double re-cracker.
Ira: He does sound powerful.
- Where The Wild Things Are.

I love this kids mind.