There are so many times I wish I had the words to describe how I�m feeling. Today is no exception *sighs*

I�m sort of bone weary; completely exhausted. And not in a waking-up-at-4am-every-day-is-killing-me-slowly kind of way (though I gather this does nothing to help) more an i-wish-i-was-a-blank-slate-again-and-could-unknow-and-unfeel-everything-i-do-just-for-a-little-peace-and-quiet sort of way.

Sometimes when I think of my mind I get visions of an iPod. There�s the album cover flow, only instead of seeing album covers I�m seeing memories and feelings associated with them. Flicking through them trying to focus on just one thing can be nigh on impossible, and there�s no hold button until it�s time to sleep. And even then there�s a secret playlist playing out in the background, making me have weird dreams in an effort to un-jumble some of my life.

There�s the �introspective� playlist that runs through my mind every time I try to sleep or relax � the things that mean the most; that touch some part of me I�ll never be able to see and bring everything to the forefront. Then there�s the �retrospective� one that helps me walk to work at half four in the morning or strive to get my work done, with its upbeat vibe and promises of a better time to come.

It�s usually the �recently added� playlist that I find myself drawn too � the ones I know I should make time for, but end up getting repeated over and over again with no resolve.

Most days, I wish more than anything, that I could give it all up. Just disappear without a trace and wipe my mind of everything I know. Live some sort of simple life in a hut on the shore of a lake somewhere � measuring my days by hours instead of minutes, and living for the next not the one before. Having nothing to worry about but what to eat and how to enjoy the day; having no one to think of but myself. No expectations, no responsibilities and no heartache. Loneliness is appealing when you always seem to feel suffocated.

���������������������������

I�ve been having a lot of odd dreams. I don�t always remember them, but I do remember last nights, and something about it tells me it�s not the first time I�ve had it.

I wake up when my alarm goes off and I walk into the barely lit bathroom. There�s a butcher knife on the windowsill and I take a hold of it and slice my wrists open vertically � no pause for thought, no jumbled up emotions, I just do it. The pain is immense and there�s so much blood, so I sit myself on the floor and I lay my head back and close my eyes. And I�m at peace.

This frustrates me to no end. I don�t want to kill myself; I don�t even want to hurt myself. Admittedly the thought has occurred in the past but nothing like to this extent. I mean jeez, when I spoke to the doctor and she was telling me I was clinically depressed, the one thing I remained adamant about was the fact I didn�t want to hurt myself. That I didn�t think about ending everything that way.

And don�t get me wrong, I�m not opposed to suicide, nor am I an advocate for it. I believe that if there is one thing in this life a person should have control of, it is the choice to end their own life. I also realise it is a highly selfish thing to do. But nor do I view selfishness in the same way most people do.

I think being selfish is a good trait. I think the people who are most selfish will have the happiest lives, will get the things they want � though they may suffer from loneliness. I�m selfish�to an extent. I heartily wish I could be more selfish, but it isn�t in my nature. As much as I like to pretend it is. Essentially, we�re all selfish creatures, just to different degrees and different realisations.

Most people pretend to be unselfish, whilst doing the most selfish things possible. I pretend to be the most selfish person I know, when my heart tells me I�m measuring myself against people who do worse than me and fail to admit it.

I wish I was selfish enough to kill myself, to take away any pain I might feel; but the simple fact is that I�m not. I sort of admire people that have that option. There�s only one thing that truly prevents me from doing something of that magnitude, and that�s the love I have for my brother.

I wouldn�t leave him alone in this world. I wouldn�t take away the love and support I provide for him, I couldn�t do that. If I did, I�d deserve to burn in eternal hell fire � if there is such a place.

Besides, some days I love life too much to want to leave it. And I want to see my brother grow up, I�m selfish enough to admit that I want a lot of things for myself and I want a lot of things for him, but more than that � I want to be around to see everything I�ve always wanted to see.

I�d like to believe that after everything there�s a place for me in the world, and I�ll fit into it like the missing puzzle piece you find under the sofa during a clear out. A bit dusty and smudged at the edges, but a perfect fit regardless.

I�m a responsible person by nature, which is highly ironic �cause I�m also a completely free spirit by nature. I hate any sort of constraints placed upon me. I hate rules and regulations and what society dictates my behaviour should be.

But no matter how much I hate feeling like I �have� to do anything, or be anything � I take on responsibilities without thinking about it. I took on the responsibility of my brother from a very young age � and as much as I realise this hinders me sometimes, I could never regret it. It was my choice to make and I made it, and not for one minute have I regretted it � and I mean this sincerely. At least I can say that.

Does it feel odd sometimes when I go to parent�s evenings or give advice on the strangest of things? When I taught him how to tie shoelaces and how to cook pasta? When I encouraged him to ask for his own bus fare or hunted down books he�d love to get him to read? When I force him to accept things from me and refuse to take no for an answer � buying him a meal �cause I know he�s too polite to ask and grabbing that other t-shirt �cause I can tell he loves it? When I take out phone contracts in my name for him and make sure he has all the stationary he needs before a school year? Yeah, sure, sometimes. But it�s second nature now. It�s always at the forefront of my mind to make sure he�s okay before I am. To get him fed, make sure he drinks and sleeps. To do the things I know he enjoys and encourage him to do the things I know he�d love to do if he tried them.

And I don�t ever begrudge him my time or attention. I don�t know how to. The love I have for my brother is the purest thing I�ve ever known, and nothing could ever destroy it. I have more faith in humanity precisely because of him. It�s odd � but isn�t life odd?

But you know when it feels truly rewarding? When my heart feels so full it could burst? When I�m the person he goes to for help, because he�s unafraid to rely on me for anything; when I�m the person he tells everything to, knowing I�ll understand no matter what; when he gives me a big bear hug and makes 5�9 me feel dwarfed in his gangly 6�2 frame and says �I miss you sister�; when he�s making life changing decisions or misbehaving and getting drunk on our Mums wine and rings me up late at night to tell me; when I see him watching a movie I�ve told him I like, listening to an album I�ve said is awesome or eating something I�ve recommended. And especially when I see him using his cutlery the wrong way round, because that�s how I�ve always done it and he learnt from me. And when he refuses to eat mushrooms �cause my lifelong hatred of them has turned him off. Or even when he rings me for no other reason than to tell me he tried a really nice carton of mango juice and we�ll have to buy some in the summer.

You can�t dream about loving someone like this, you either have it or you don�t. And if you don�t, maybe you will when you have kids, or maybe you�ll find it another way. I wouldn�t trade it for anything � and if there�s one thing I�ll harp on about until the end of my days, it�s this. It�s one of those permanents that never leaves you; a rarity.

���������������������........................

I�m also becoming amused with my proclivity to denounce myself as a mean person. I have this insistency about me, where I�m dying for you to see the bad in me, to tell me you hate me. I can�t even explain to you why exactly. Maybe it�s just that I�m sick of snap judgements; of people taking a smiling face surrounded by curls and a lyrical voice and deciding I�m nice. How do you know I�m nice? You know zip about me.

But being frustrated about judgements or first impressions is a futile thing. I�m learning not to judge people myself, to give them all the time in the world to prove what kind of person they are to me, but I wish others would do the same thing.

Half the guys that flirt with me only do it because I�m nice enough to give them the time of day, when other people are too disgruntled at 5am to make the simplest of conversations. But I�m a nice person � I see that now.

This probably sounds like some sort of egotistical nonsense, but when you�ve spent your whole life telling people you�re a bitch, only to think about it for two seconds and realise that being opinionated does not equate to bitchiness�then it makes sense.

This is why I get called pet names all the time (much to Howie�s amusement I think); why the Ginsters delivery man calls me sweetheart, why the magazine delivery guy stands too close and wants to make conversation with me while I�m desperately trying to get my work done, why the Foogo delivery guy toots his horn at me every time he sees me out and about in St Albans and why all of the admin department at College know my name and call out to me when I pass their offices. This is just normal for me � people just seem to know me. Either because I�ve taken the time to smile and make light conversation, or because I�ve been sincere or polite when having to deal with them. I guess this makes me nice.

I don�t know why I�ve always thought I was mean. I mean, jeez, it�s not my good looks that gets people being so nice to me (I�m only the normal standard of pretty), it�s that I�m nice to them so they do the same back. I�ve been told I get away with things all the time, but maybe it�s just that people realise I would do them a favour, so they do the same for me.

I helped those guys buy their tickets from the machine at 5am the other morning, so when they saw my paper delivery come they started loading the bundles onto the trolley for me despite my protestations that I could do it myself. My till draw refused to open and the guy that buys his 10 B&H silver every morning just winked at me and said he�d get his change tomorrow. Everytime I see people they�re always offering to buy me coffees, �cause I do the same to them. The I.T guy let me use his PC, his phone AND made me a cup of tea when I went to apply for my student accommodation (though he did ask if I was seeing anyone and I said I was � thank god Howie is an excellent fake boyfriend). And me being nice is probably why Wayne and Jamie, amongst others, never seem to get the hint that I�m not interested. I don�t know how to be seriously mean to them unless they do something unacceptable. So I put up with the �Good Morning M� Lassie� rubbish that has my customers laughing, and the odd phone calls and texts and offers to pay my phone bill that I flatly refuse, just so they can speak to me properly again.

I do it �cause I don�t like hurting people, and I see no reason to be mean unless it�s entirely called for. But this definitely doesn�t mean I�m without my faults � I�m littered with them. I�m not always kind and generous, even if I tend to be that way the majority of the time. If I�m in a foul mood I�m horrible to deal with, completely taciturn and way too feisty. My Ma always called me mardy � I said it was �cause she set me off too often. I�m too feckin� stubborn for my own good � often arguing a point I don�t fully believe in just for the sake of it. I�m sarcastic and I know how to pack a mean verbal punch.

And I�m compulsive. A compulsive neat freak, compulsive shopper, compulsive writer, compulsive traveller and a compulsive thief. Yep. I totally steal little things. Half the time I don�t even know I�m doing it, and then when I do know I�m doing it I don�t think I�m wrong to do so. Talk about warped.

Though I�m not a shop lifter or anything like that (got over that stage in my teens). And if I realise I�ve taken something you�ll want then it�ll find its way back to you eventually. My old boss used to find it endearing � heaven knows why.

While he spoke to me I�d be wandering around his office � taking things like a wooden yoyo and crayons. Sometimes he�d even bring me things so I didn�t have to take them�.like a Harry Potter ticket wallet. Parts of my life are rather odd.

It doesn�t bother me so much, even though it should. But, sometimes, I�m scared it means I�m more like my father than I realise.

����������������������������..

The other day I was day dreaming � as you do � and it occurred to me that I might miss being somebody�s someone. I mean�.whenever anyone asks me about my love life I just reply that it�s non-existent, exactly how I like it to be. But then I wondered if I missed it; if I was perhaps avoiding thinking about it too much because I know it�s not a good idea. And I realise I have been.

I�ve been pretending it doesn�t occur to me, that I don�t sometimes want someone of my own. But I think I do. Only I realise it�s a sincerely bad idea.

I spent so long being so and so�s girlfriend and not feeling like myself that I�ve literally scared myself off of relationships. I�ve built them up in my mind to be these really damaging and life changing things and they don�t have to be.

They don�t have to suck the soul out of you; they don�t have to be these situations where you give and you give and get nothing you want in return. They can be good things too. They can be healing, rather than hurting; and they can be freeing rather than restricting. It just has to be with the right person � someone who understands what you want from life and doesn�t ask you to give any of yourself up.

Only, as much as I think a part of me is ready for something like that, I also think I�m not. I�m medicated�for a reason. I�m not happy with things and involving myself in a relationship would be completely selfish and probably hurt me in more ways than I realise.

I need to think about what�s best in the long run, not about what I feel like I need now. I need to support myself through these difficult times; I need to help myself get better � then I can have what I want if I still want it.

I need to find my happy place, then I can share it with whoever comes along that niggles their way into my heart. Then everything might have a chance of working out.

�����������������������������..

So enough with the soul searchy stuff, and onto the boring routine mush that makes up my current life style.

I�m giving myself a break on the whole losing weight front. I�m too stressed to deal with it and I fully recognise that. As much as i pressure myself by saying I�m going away soon and wouldn�t it be nice if I�d lost some weight by then, it doesn�t help in the slightest. It causes anxiety to pile up on top of the overly anxious anxiety pile. Ridiculous.

I kind of thought being fat would mean guys would back off, but Howie says I should resign myself to the fact I�ll always be attractive to some people. Besides, I�m going to join the gym at the end of the month.

By that time I�ll be able to afford it (bonus) and I�ll really only have my extended research project to complete for college. Everything else has to be sorted before then, even if I haven�t done it yet, and my exams will also be over.

I should be in a better place financially and educationally; instead of completely hopeless like I am now. I spend so much time wallowing, then all of a sudden things work out and I�m on to the next worrying thing.

It was nice to see all of my family on Wednesday. I say all, but it was Grams, Lew, Nika, Lisha and Jus. We went shopping in the Galleria and had lunch together. I bought a few bits and put them in a gift bag for Lisha to make up for her lack of a birthday present, and I bought Lew this top and hat he wanted as part of his make up gift. Lord knows I want to buy him something else �cause that wasn�t nearly enough.

I helped him take out an iPhone contract and buy some clothes � Ma doesn�t have the patience for any of that stuff. Even though she had the day off she couldn�t be bothered to come to St Albans with them. As much as I feel closer to her now, it sort of disappointed me that everyone but her made the effort.

Only Ma, Adam and Becky to go (gift wise). I think I�m going to subscribe Ma to a home decoration magazine as her belated mother�s day gift, a DVD will do for Adam and Becky is going to get this adorable scissors pendant I found on Etsy.

I�ve been brewing this delicious cinnamon and hazelnut ground coffee I bought from Whittards. It�s unbelievably yummy � totally makes up for being awake so early this morning.

�Tis Howie�s birthday today (so Happy Birthday munchkin if you�re reading this) and I�m just really glad that we�ve been getting on so well. Well, we�ve always got along well, but I feel like we�ve kind of skipped up some stepping stones together and no matter what people decide to throw at us, (as in life, not people) we�ll be okay. I�m supremely glad I have a friend I can tell even the silliest of things to and not have them think I�m an idiot (most of the time). Really, being friends with him reminds me that I�m not alone � there are people out there that do understand me, and love me for everything that I am. All the ridiculousness that is my makeup.

It makes up for a lot of the shitty friendship experiences I�ve had in the past, and hearing him call me one of his best friends is one of the sweetest feelings. He�s one of mine, no question about it, and it�s nice to hear someone think as highly of me as I do them.

Work has been tiring and I�ve not wanted to get out of bed. Slightly worrying, but I don�t know if this has to do with the skipping of the pills that occurred or something else. I just have to keep reminding myself that plenty of people don�t have jobs at all, and even though it�s a monstrous time to be awake, I�ve got some money coming in and it�s only two and a half months to go.

I also dislike my boss, though I don�t think it�s his fault really. He�s all about the rules and making sure we offer the �1 stuff to each and every customer. I�m all about saying fuck it to the rules and asking those I think have the time to hear me out.

Plus, I keep getting cuts and bruises all over my hands and it�s so not fun anymore. Even if I get to sport colourful plasters and nobody tells me to take the spike out of my lip. Oh and I get to read magazines on a Monday when no one�s around � like Sci-Fi Now, Oh Comely, SFX, The Word and Uncut. I�m going to subscribe to a few of them when I leave � I�m becoming addicted.

I�ve been avoiding my housemates, for no apparent reason other than I�m annoyed I still owe �250 on the rent. They�re not annoyed; I just have to pay any bank fees. I�m annoyed �cause I feel like I can�t look them in the face. Which is ludicrous I know, but that�s misplaced pride for you.

I sort of wish I�d got lumbered with some uber cool housemates, or at least some that liked awesome movies, or awesome music, or even awesome clothes or something. They�re just all so�.ordinary. Which is mean � they�re nice enough. Just not the kind of nice that makes me want to hang out.

I�ve noticed writing�s been easier the past week or so. Several times on my walk to work I�ve been thinking in rhymes and had to stop under a street light to write them out. Bizarre, but I�m getting used to keeping a notepad and pen with me at all times � you never know when inspiration may strike after all.

Mostly, I�m just trying to get a handle on my emotions and push myself through this last stage of college. I know I have a lot to sort out right now � trying to alter so many things at once isn�t ideal, but knowing the hard part will all be over in a little over three months is the only thing that keeps a smile on my face. Even when I want to close my eyes and sigh.

It�s the beautiful things in life that suffer the most, and it�s the best things that are painful to obtain.

<<ghosts []the mist>>